


Angel Standing By

by Gorillazgal86



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Canon - Anime, M/M, Post-Canon, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-06-23 13:20:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 32,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19702204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gorillazgal86/pseuds/Gorillazgal86
Summary: After 10 years of imprisonment, Kaworu defies God and chooses to live life as a human.  He must learn to live on his own and win Shinji, whose memory of Kaworu has been erased as a trade for Kaworu's human life.





	1. Angel Standing By

**Author's Note:**

> This is a real old story of mine, that I haven't updated since 2008 (?!). It was originally published on ff.net and for reasons unknown, i've decided to brush the cobwebs off and make a go at actually finishing this. Better late than never, eh?
> 
> I've been making some minor edits to the existing chapters to clean them up and I may be adding extra chapters as there's some elements I would like to flesh out a bit more. I'll see how it goes. Anyway, please do enjoy and if you've enjoyed, leave some feedback :)

"Kaworu."

Shinji let the name slip off his tongue and tears began to sting painfully in his eyes. Shinji locked himself in his room, his sdat playing Beethoven's Ode to Joy on repeat. Kaworu had said that a song was good, but this one seemed to remind Shinji of the pain in his heart, the pain he couldn't escape.

The scene kept replaying through Shinji's mind. Kaworu made his final request, to be destroyed to save mankind. The slender boy cradled delicately in the huge hand of Unit One, Shinji watching him. Shinji held him for an everlasting moment. Shinji was breaking up inside, tears running silently down his face as he faced the greatest battle of his young life; the decision on whether or not to fulfil Kaworu's final wish.

The readiness of Kaworu to become Shinji's friend had stunned the younger boy. No one had immediately liked him. But Kaworu opened his heart and offered his hand so willing and graciously that it simply stole Shinji's heart. Three words he had never heard from any other human being were finally heard from a boy that had only known him an hour. They came without regret and with truth.

"I'm saying, I love you," Kaworu had told him, his scarlet eyes reflecting the depth of his feelings.  
Shinji was left breathless. All he could do was stare at the other boy, unable to express the gratitude and love that flowed through his body. Kaworu leaned forward and placed a light kiss on Shinji's cheek, then stood to get dressed.

Shinji sat for a moment more, his brain still trying to process the unexpected rush of adoration he felt for Kaworu. Why did Kaworu love him? There was nothing lovable about him. Shinji was a whiny coward who's own father detested him.. Kaworu became amazing in Shinji's eyes.

Even as he wallowed in regret, Shinji still marvelled, perhaps now even more, that Kaworu had defied heaven to love Shinji.

At the time, Shinji was overwhelmed with having just heard I love you from another person, but Kaworu intended to show Shinji what love could be. It wasn't a destructive emotion, but one that was filled with pleasure and happiness. When he stayed the night at Kaworu's small apartment, he felt compelled open up and shared his life story to his new friend, who was still very much a stranger.

The silver-haired boy was an attentive listener. He never interrupted or tried to offer advice. Kaworu lay quietly, listening with interest and patience. Shinji let his heart go and laid bare the pain and worries he had hidden from so many others. Once he finished, Kaworu pushed up on his elbow to look down at Shinji, who was laying on the floor.

"I think I may have been born to meet you, Shinji Ikari," Kaworu said with a warm smile.

Shinji blushed and Kaworu lowered himself onto Shinji's futon. For the second time that night, Shinji was kissed, this time more intimately, Kaworu's mouth fully on Shinji's. Kaworu's kiss felt like coming home, that unexplainable feeling of complete peace and comfort. Shinji felt his lungs begging for air and gently pulled away. Love and passion burned behind the red eyes. Kaworu's fingers worked through Shinji's brown hair, pushing back the short bangs that not quite hung in his blue eyes.

Kaworu pressed closer to Shinji, his lips resting on the other boy's neck and began slowly sucking on the sensitive spot where neck met shoulder. Shinji let his head fall back, his breath catching in his throat.

"Kaworu, love you," was all Shinji could say as his mind fogged with pleasure and his voice became moans.

Their hands moved clumsily across bare skin, taking in each new feeling, hungry to learn every inch of each other. Kaworu then slowed and studied Shinji's face, cheeks pink from the heat rising within him and lips wet and swollen. "Please . . . " Shinji breathed pressing his hips against Kaworu's. Kaworu nodded, kissed him again and began preparing the smaller boy carefully then finally entering him, completing and consummating their eternal bond.

"Stay with me always. Don't leave me," Shinji gripped onto Kaworu's pale naked body, both boys spent. Kaworu let his slender fingers trace the outlines of Shinji's face, studying each curve, each small change in plane.

He was silent for a minute. Shinji watched him and searched his eyes. Shinji looked concerned when Kaworu didn't answer. Kaworu smiled and kissed him slowly.

"I'll be with you always," Kaworu said. Shinji tightened his grip on the other boy and buried his face in Kaworu's chest, taking in the scent of skin, soothed by the steady beating of his heart. Kaworu caressed the hair on the back of Shinji's head. He knew what was to come, but he forcefully pushed the thought aside. This moment was his and Shinji's and he refused to let anything come to ruin that.

Shinji woke up the next morning, Kaworu sleeping in his tight embrace. Shinji smiled. He had expected Kaworu to leave him in the night, but there he was, sleeping fitfully in Shinji's small arms. He placed a small kiss on the other boy's porcelain cheek and was content to watch Kaworu slowly wake up.

"You stayed with me," Shinji said, his eyes bright and full of joy.

Kaworu felt his heart sink into his stomach. He pushed the feeling aside and offered Shinji a sleepy smirk. He pulled himself off Shinji's futon and stretched like a cat, feeling Shinji's approving eyes on his still nude form. Kaworu ruffled the hair on Shinji's head and pulled on his pajama pants.

Shinji watched for a moment then tugged on his own pants and followed Kaworu into the small kitchen.

"I'm afraid I haven't got breakfast for you," Kaworu said and handed Shinji a glass of water.

"Well, you just moved in. It's all right. I'm just happy to be with you," Shinji couldn't stop smiling.

"You make me very happy, Shijni-kun," Kaworu sipped at his water. He then glanced at the clock on the wall. "I believe I have an activation test today. I should get ready to go. You can stay here as long as you'd like, though," Kaworu offered and stood to get dressed.

"Oh. Thanks, but I think I'm going to go on a walk. I hope your activation test goes well!" Shinji said, glancing at the warm sun that shone outside.

Both boys got dressed and went their separate ways. Kaworu had promised Shinji that they would see each other later that day and Shinji eagerly awaited their rendezvous.

But their next meeting was not to be the wonderful event the first one had been. The next time Shinji saw Kaworu, he knew that Kaworu was an angel, his enemy. Shinji had performed as he was expected and defeated the enemy.

Now his heart felt cold, his body numb, his soul empty. Kaworu, though Shinji had only known him a short time, became everything to him. The reason he wanted to continue, his shining light in a world that had been so dark.

Shinji's eyes fixed towards the heavens.

"Why did you have to die? You were much better than I am. Why did you love me, Kaworu?" Shinji asked the stars. He then rolled over and buried his face in his pillow, no longer wanting to think or feel, not caring if the world crumbled down on him.


	2. Broken

White feathered wings wrapped around a thin alabaster body. Tabris sat alone, finding consolation in his isolation.

He had failed God. He had not returned to Adam and sacrificed his own destiny because of a weak and cowardly human boy.

Tabris recalled the desperate loneliness in Shinji's touch. The boy so badly needed love and Tabris had very happily gave it to him. The angel marvelled at how easily they had become friends and with a simple proclamation of love, it had become much more. A warmth filled Tabris's ethereal body as he retraced every precious moment with the young Eva pilot, Shinji Ikari.

The comforting warmth from these memories was cut sharply by his betrayal. Shinji's anguished cries echoed harshly in the angel's heart. He knew when he met Shinji that the betrayal was immanent. Yet he allowed Shinji to become close to him, only to shatter the boy's heart.

Tabris's wings fluttered as his gut wrenched, as he relived their last moments together. A warm, unfamiliar wetness ran down his cheek. He had never cried before, had never felt anything that pained him so.

"I'll never be able to apologize to him," Tabris thought to himself. "All I can do is watch him. Watch him grow into a man, fall in love again, overcome the hurdles that would face him," Tabris found this realization to be more painful that he had possibly imagined.

Tabris had failed his heavenly Father and was thus bound to heaven. He could not return to Earth as Kaworu Nagisa, the boy that Shinji had loved. He was trapped as the angel of Free Will, Tabris for eternity. It was his damned free will that had created this disaster  
.  
He at least had the ability to watch Shinji from the heavens, this was the one comfort he had. He watched as Shinji slept, the boy tossing and turning restlessly. He let out a soothing sigh and watched as Shinji stilled, slipping into a deep sleep. While he couldn't visit Shinji in a physical form, there wasn't any rule against communicating through dreams or as a whisper in the wind.

"I'll promise I'll come back to you, Shinji. Please wait for me," Tabris said, hoping Shinji's subconscious would hear the message.

Tabris looked around his cold grey cell. He was determined that somehow he would escape and rejoin Shinji on an Earth without Angels or Evas. God Himself could not stop him.

Tabris stood up and pulled himself away from the image of the sleeping boy. He laughed at his own thoughts. How on earth would he be able to defy the all-knowing and all-powerful. Failing Him was one thing, going against His will was an entirely different matter. To think such thoughts was foolish.

He looked around the barren space. So this was true isolation. Tabris didn't have a single soul to talk to and he suddenly felt a strong sense of empathy towards Shinji. When they had met, Shinji had been completely alone, in this same isolation. Tabris smirked. God certainly did work in mysterious ways.

Oh the irony of having to endure the same heartache as the one he betrayed. Although Shinji would have time to heal his wounds. He would meet others and eventually, Kaworu Nagisa would be nothing but a faded memory from a dark childhood.

The possibility of Shinji moving on and the brief love they shared forgotten pained him, but Tabris wished him joy. The boy had been through so much. Tabris prayed that Shinji would be allowed to live a peaceful, non-eventful life in his adulthood; he had earned that much. Tabris looked around once again, the grey, lonely atmosphere seemed not befitting of heaven. He sighed and wrapped his large, snow white wings around him, wishing to hide himself, to escape from the overbearing loneliness that began to consume him.


	3. Learning To Live Again

Laying motionless on his bed, staring at the blank ceiling, Shinji kept replaying the scene in his mind over and over. He brought his hand up to his face, flexing his fingers.

"I killed him," Shinji murmured. "Through my Eva, I killed him."

Shinji continued to examine his hand. Through his connections with his Eva, he had felt the crunch of Kaworu's breaking bones and the very hand in front of his eyes was the hand that had snuffed out the other's life.

"But he was an angel. I've had to kill the other angels. It was my job, he was my enemy," Shinji whispered to himself, trying to find justification for his actions.

But the feeling of Kaworu crushed in his palm danced like a phantom on his hand. Kaworu had been as human as Shinji: he had felt love, his bones broke, human blood stained the hand of his Eva. Shinji had killed a human, his friend that had loved him.

"No! He betrayed me and lied to me! If he lied about being an angel, who's to say he didn't lie about loving me too!" Shinji broke into sobs as the thought broke his heart.

Had everything Kaworu done been a lie? Shinji remembered the sweet kisses, the warm embraces, and the soft, loving words whispered in his ear. They all had been lies. Shinji's blood ran cold and sobs choked him.

"Did I ever claim to be an angel?" Kaworu's voice whispered in the back of Shinji's mind.

Shinji froze as he thought about this: Kaworu had betrayed him, but he had never told Shinji a single lie. Shinji didn't know Kaworu was an angel and Kaworu had never brought it up. During their short time together, it hadn't mattered. Shinji suddenly felt a warm realization wash over him, stifling his cries and quelling his fears. Shinji began to understand the reasons behind Kaworu's actions. Kaworu was destined to be an angel, no different than how Shinji was destined to be an Eva pilot. Like Shinji, Kaworu had been forced to follow his father's will.

Shinji sat up slowly, thoughts rushing through his head. Kaworu knew he had a short amount of time on this earth and chose to spend it loving Shinji. Kaworu was just a boy and had thus wanted to enjoy what little he could. Shinji felt fresh tears begin to streak down his face, now just from the fact that he would never see Kaworu again.

Shinji faced two choices after Kaworu's death. He could either give up living himself, accept the idea that life would be a continued struggle and bitter disappointment and end it all. Or he could push through the pain and hope that happiness would once again find him.

The idea of dying and being with Kaworu was a frightening possibility for Shinji. He once again held up his hands, this time examining his wrists. It would be so simple, if the cuts went deep enough, then it would be over. All of this would end and he would be with Kaworu for eternity. Kaworu had so easily given his life, certainly he wouldn't disapprove of Shinji doing the same.

But Kaworu hadn't died for his own selfish reasons. Kaworu died for Shinji and humanity. Kaworu thought Shinji's life was worth more than his own. Shinji wasn't prepared to waste Kaworu's last gift to him.

Shinji was then left with the option of living. The world was slowly beginning to return to it's mundane routine, now that all of the angels were defeated. People were moving back into Tokyo-3, once they learned it was no longer a threat. With all the new people, Shinji had the chance to start over. He could make new friends and try to live on. If he couldn't convince himself to do it for his own benefit, then he would do it for Kaworu.

"He died for me," Shinji said, a lighter tone leaking into his voice. "He died for me and I will make sure his death wasn't in vain."


	4. Every Day

Shinji sat on the roof of his apartment building, staring out into the setting sun. It cast a bright, ethereal glow over the storm-darkened sky behind him. A light breeze blew through his short brown hair. It was moments like these that he felt the heartache buried deep within him begin to bubble up and threaten to consume him. Over the past 10 years, he had learned to live with the pain of killing the one who loved him. When he was alone, it all rushed back to him and throbbed persistently in his chest.

Maybe he felt this way because it seemed heaven was looking down on him and with the soft wind, Shinji could swear he felt Kaworu's gentle embrace or catch a hint of his smell. Shinji laughed lightly as the sky began to darken completely with night. How foolish it was to obsess over a single person for such a long time.

With that thought, he was brought back into the present and let the heavy nostalgia leave him.

Shinji's life had changed considerably since he was an Eva pilot. He now lived with another young man his age that had evacuated Tokyo-3 shortly before the arrival of the third angel. They were complete opposites, but Shinji needed that contrast. It was a small reminder of what it had been like to live with Misato and Asuka.

Shinji climbed down the fire escape and slipped in through his bedroom window. He kicked his shoes off and tossed his jacket on his bed. Shinji walked out of the room and found his roommate stretched comfortably across the couch, a video game controller in his hand. His roommate looked up with a grin and wove at Shinji.

"Bein' the tragic hero again, up on the roof?" The other man asked. Shinji laughed lightly, if only he really knew.

"Knock it off, Ryozo. There was a cool sunset and I wanted to watch it," Shinji said and disappeared into their small kitchen. Ryozo watched him for a moment and then settled back against the couch and continued his game.

Shinji had always been an odd one. He put on a happy face, but there were times that Ryozo was sure that there was something deeper hiding behind those blue eyes. They had been friends since university and Shinji had divulged very little about his past. Ryozo knew that he had no family and no friends, but Shinji always tried to smile. Ryozo shook the thoughts away and concentrated on his game.

Shinji pulled a few things out of the cabinet and set forth to making himself a small dinner. "Have you eaten yet?" Shinji called out towards the living room.

"Yeah, but I'm hungry if you want to make me something too," Ryozo replied from the couch.

Shinji pulled down extra food and shook his head. Despite Ryozo's slender build, he had a seemingly bottomless appetite.

"You really need to stop eating every meal twice," Shinji reprimanded. Ryozo just shrugged, he heard the same thing every day.

Shinji thoughts wandered back towards Kaworu again. It had been a while since he had seriously thought about Kaworu. He let out a sad sigh as he skimmed through a recipe book. He began to wonder what Kaworu would be like now. Would he be handsome? Would he still be as friendly and open as he had been? Shinji's mind wandered and only the sound of water spilling onto the stove brought him back into reality.

"You trying to burn down our apartment?" Ryozo was now standing in the doorway to the kitchen, causing Shinji to jump.

"Don't just pop up like that! You scared the crap out of me!" Shinji said, trying to gain control of his wildly fluttering heart.

"You're on another planet tonight!" Ryozo scolded Shinji.

"I'm sorry. I've just got a lot on my mind and I'm feeling a little scatterbrained," Shinji explained as he watched his roommate turn down the heat on the stove and add the noodles to the boiling water.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Ryozo asked, after getting dinner under control.

"It's complicated and it's probably classified information anyway," Shinji told him and was glad that Ryozo had decided to take over making them dinner, he just couldn't concentrate.

Ryozo shrugged. "Whatever man. But you let me know, if you need to talk, I'm here for ya," Ryozo said with a friendly smile and patted Shinji on the shoulder.

Shinji nodded and ran a hand through his hair. "I know you are."  
***  
Blue eyes stared at a darkened ceiling. He wanted to sleep, he knew he needed to sleep, but found himself fixated on the ceiling above his head.

"Are you up there Kaworu, looking over me, like I'm told angels do? Do you miss me? I miss you. I hadn't really realized how much I missed you until today," Shinji whispered to the ceiling, hoping that Kaworu would respond, but the room remained silent except for his steady breathing. Shinji sighed and felt his eyelids grow heavy and he drifted into a light sleep.

He woke up the next morning with Ryozo standing above him, shaking him. "You've slept in, man! Wake up, you're gonna be late for work!"

Shinji shot out of bed and ran around frantically trying to get ready, Ryozo following him, handing him clothes, shoes and bits of breakfast.

"Why didn't you wake me up earlier?!" Shinji shot Ryozo an angry look.

"It's not my fuckin' job to be your alarm clock!" Ryozo shot back as he tossed Shinji his sneakers.

Shinji just grumbled and quickly shoved toast down his throat and ran out the door, giving Ryozo a quick wave.

"I'll be home for dinner! It's your turn to cook!" Shinji said as he ran out the door.

His mind was focused sheerly on getting to work and he simply didn't care about who he bumped or was rude to. Shinji ran and was finally stumbled through the door of the restaurant where he worked. He walked quickly to the break room and quickly clocked in, tied his apron around his waist and assumed his position behind the bar. His boss was standing next to him, glaring at him. Once he had a chance, his boss leaned over and whispered in his ear.

"Ikari, why the hell are you late?"

"I'm sorry, I slept in later than I had meant to," Shinji replied, his head bowed.

His boss tsked lightly, but knew what a hard worker Ikari was, something like this was rare.

"Just don't let it happen again."

'Yes, sir," Shinji said, mindlessly cleaning a glass.

He lost himself in his thoughts for the next couple hours. Bartending on the dayshift was mindless enough and usually not very busy. He dutifully served up sodas and waters and the occasional beer. Nobody was sitting at the bar so he was able to keep to himself. He watched as customers came in and sat down across the restaurant. He thought about how different each person's life was. Each spoke of people he had never heard of and through tidbits of conversation, he was part of their daily dramas for a fraction of a second.

The shift went in quickly and he clocked out and walked towards his apartment. Shinji watched couples walking hand-in-hand down the street and found himself intensely jealous of them. He had gone on a few blind dates in his time, but never had a steady girlfriend and until now hadn't even considered himself interested in the idea.

Shinji wished for the feeling of someone else's hand in his, warm fingers interlaced with his. There had a been a time in his life when he had shunned any human contact, but he suddenly wanted to make up lost time. Shinji imagined getting lost in the arms of someone he loved, staring deeply in their eyes, running his fingers through their hair. Sensations he had felt once before and he craved it viciously.

He found himself feeling lonely and depressed when he unlocked the door to his apartment, which was empty. He found a plate of food sitting on the counter, with a note from Ryozo:

_Hey Shinji! Going out on a date tonight. Couldn't reach you at work, I'll see you either late tonight or tomorrow morning. Here's some food for you. Later man!_

Shinji read the note to himself and put the plate into the microwave.

His envy increased. Ryozo should be at his home, not running out with some girl. He was Shinji's roommate and friend and it was his job to make Shinji feel better at times like there. Shinji shook his head, this was ridiculous, Ryozo had every right to do want he wanted. Good for him.

Shinji ate quickly and put the plate in the dishwasher. He watched tv for about an hour, then headed into the bathroom to take a bath.

Shinji watched thoughtfully as the hot water filled up the tub and he stripped off his clothes. He slid into the warm water with a deep sigh. The more he thought about it, the more he realized, he wasn't happy with his life. Shinji was fed up with the routine, every day was the exact same, nothing new or exciting ever happened. He was going through the motions, but going nowhere.

He was lonely and unloved. Shinji took a deep breath and pulled his head under the water. He stared up at the ceiling through the water, studying the distorted light and color. He pulled up when his lungs began to tighten with lack of oxygen, sputtering and wiping the water from his eyes.

"Kaworu, why have things turned out this way?" Shinji asked with a sigh.


	5. Nothing Important

Tabris paced around his small prison cell. He had been locked away here for 10 long years, able to do nothing more than watch Shinji from afar. He had watched the boy grow from an awkward, uneasy adolescent to a quiet, mild-mannered man. Shinji had become so handsome, his lanky limbs had grown gracefully and his face had filled out, mimicking his father's slightly, but still retaining his mother's softer features. With each passing day, Kaworu longed to be with him. Tabris's heart ached in his chest, he was desperately alone and so badly wanted to be with Shinji again.

Time had only deepened the despair. He felt like a trapped animal, bound by God's will, never to leave, forced to watch for eternity. His mind burned at the idea of never touching Shinji again and that he had been without him for ten years.

Shinji seemed to have done well enough, but there were times when Shinji would stare at the sky, small tears streaming down his face and his lips would form Tabris's Lillum name. Each time that Shinji said his name, Kaworu wanted to go to him, hold him, run his fingers through that soft brown hair and stare endlessly into his blue eyes.

Tabris was surprised and humbled that Shinji still thought about him after all this time. It made his heart sing and sting at the same time. He didn't want Shinji to feel the same spirit-crushing pain that Tabris dealt with everyday. But Shinji still thought of him. A small flame of hope glowed within Tabris. This small flame kept him from losing his mind and giving up entirely.

But he was still trapped. He had stared at the same cold, colorless walls for ten years. He hadn't seen real light in ten years. Every passing day wore on him deeply and the walls seemed to close in. When he saw Shinji on his rooftop, thinking just about him, Tabris lost all sense of control. Tabris stopped his constant pacing and fell to his knees, screaming. His emotions overwhelmed him. He pounded the floor with balled fists and his wings beat furiously around him.

"Let me go! I'm the Angel of Free Will! That free will is what made me chose Shinji Ikari over You! Do You hear that! I chose a weak Lillum boy over the Almighty. And I choose him again. Free me! I want to be with him!" Tabris screamed to God.

"I chose him! I chose him! Let me out of here!" his voice ragged. Tabris stood up and began pounding on the walls, wishing they would give way.

He sank to the ground, utterly defeated. "Please let me go. I would trade immortality for him. I can't stand it here. I love him," he sobbed into his hands, wet tears dampening his pale porcelain cheeks.

A soft warm feeling washed over him. Tabris inhaled deeply as the feeling consumed his body. He watched in shock and awe as his wings slowly turned from white to grey to black. The black feathers began to drop and littered the ground around his feet. Tabris stood naked and vulnerable as the walls around him lifted and a bright, white light engulfed him. Tabris shielded his eyes and when the light cleared, he found himself laying naked in a barren apartment room.

He blinked, staring at what was around him. The room was plain, with a bed, a small pile of clothes and a single light hanging from the ceiling. The air around him was cold and he pulled his knees up to his chest, reaching out for a threadbare blanket that he tightened around him. He stood on shaky legs and pushed aside the blinds and stared out a window. The sun shone brightly on his face through the window, warming his face. Baby blue skies were dotted with pure white clouds. Beneath him, people swarmed like insects, rushing through their busy days. Tabris' knees gave way and he sank to the ground, unable to think or even blink.

He was back on Earth. God had taken away all of his angelic powers and he was now Kaworu, nothing more than a mortal man. He was human, truly and purely human for the first time in his life. He had been given a second chance and this time there was no assignment, no immanent destruction of humanity.

Kaworu took a deep, lung-filling breath and ran to a mirror. He had aged to reflect his Lillum age. He stared in wonder at his reflection, his body had filled out and he had become quite tall. Faintly toned muscles made him seem less skinny than he had been as a boy. He smiled at himself, running his fingers through his silver hair, his scarlet eyes rimmed with tears.

He scrambled to pull on clothes and ran outside, breathing in the fresh air and restrained himself from running and dancing in sheer joy. He strolled jubilantly down the street, smiling brightly at the faces that walked past him. He couldn't wait to find Shinji again. His heart swelled with the thought of seeing him again.

As he was walking, he felt himself grabbed by the arm and drug into an alley way. Kaworu jerked his arm away from the man that had grabbed it.

"Who are you?" Kaworu asked, unable to make out a face on the tall dark man that stood sheathed in shadow.

"Since you're here now, there are some guidelines you must follow. If you do not agree to these conditions, you will return to Heaven and will be a powerless angel, understood?" the man told him, curtly.

Kaworu nodded silently, waiting to hear what exactly the guidelines are.

"You are Kaworu Nagisa again. You have been provided with an apartment and a small bank account. Any record of your identity as the 17th angel, Tabris, has been eradicated. As a result, no one has a single memory of your previous existence. You must establish relationships on your own and provide your own income. You're on your own, Kaworu. Good luck," The man faded into the background, leaving Kaworu at a loss for words.

If nobody remembered him, that meant Shinji had lost all memories of him too. "Wait! Come back!" Kaworu shouted down the now empty alley way. The man was gone and Kaworu was left, a fallen angel that not a soul remembered.

Kaworu made his way home and he found himself more depressed than he ever had been as an angel. At least as an angel, Shinji knew who he was. The memories of him were gone. He existed again, but to whom?

Shinji shot awake in his bed, his heart pounding and with the sick feeling of sweat running down his back. He looked at his alarm clock, seeing it read 3 am. He wasn't sure what had woken him up; he couldn't remember having a nightmare or anything disturbing him. He laid back down, his hands shaking and his breath unsteady. He had the uncanny feeling that he had forgotten something and for the life of him, couldn't remember what. As he lay in bed, he ran his mind through his work schedule, various birthdays and anniversaries, what bills he had paid, groceries he had purchased. He hadn't forgotten anything, but the feeling remained. He brushed it aside, figuring he put his house key in a different spot than usual. Just the same, it was nothing important.


	6. Crash

Shinji woke up the next morning, his head spinning. Something was wrong and he didn't know what it was. He walked out of his bedroom and glanced at Ryozo lounging on the couch, watching cartoons, nursing a cup of coffee. Shinji stumbled into the kitchen, his mind clearly else where. He managed to make himself some breakfast and join his roommate on the couch, but continued to stare into space, racking his brain for the thing that was bothering him.

He finally had the idea on the tip of his tongue and suddenly a foot snuck in front of him, a big toe poking his cheek. Shinji snapped back into reality and swatted Ryozo's foot away.

"That's disgusting, get that away from me," Shinji said, frustrated that he had lost his train of thought.

"What? They're clean!" Ryozo wriggled his toes in front of Shinji's face, laughing.

Once he realized Shinji was in no mood to play, he tucked his feet back underneath him and looked seriously at Shinji.

"Did you find something interesting on the wall or is something bugging you?" Ryozo asked, hitting mute on the tv.

Shinji shook his head and let out a sigh. "You know that feeling where you know you've forgotten something or there was something you were supposed to know, but for the life of you, you can't remember?" Shinji asked.

"Yeah, I get it all the time," Ryozo shrugged nonchalantly.

"Well, I think I forgot something really really important, but I can't think of what. It's been bothering me since last night, I just can't figure it out," Shinji nibbled mindlessly on his breakfast.

"I dunno what to tell ya kid. You're probably losin' it," Ryozo said with a carefree grin.

"No, this is serious, is there anything I might have forgotten?" Shinji asked, wishing for once his roommate could be serious.

"I dunno man. As far as I know, we've got everything paid, no birthdays or anything. I can't think of anything you'd be forgetting," Ryozo said.

Shinji just nodded, accepting this for the time being. He concentrated on eating, trying to push the feeling out of his mind. He didn't have work today, though he wished he did. Sometimes working cleared his mind in a way nothing else could. At work he could concentrate on his job and these sort of things didn't bother him. When there was nothing to do at home, such things ate at him. He needed something to do today.

"I think I'm gonna go out today, Ryozo, you're more than welcome to come along, if you want," Shinji offered.

"Sure, I'll come along. It's been a while since we've done anything. I was beginning to forget we were buddies," Ryozo grinned.

They left their apartment shortly after, no particular purpose in mind. They wandered the streets for a while, getting lost in conversation and visiting old places they had liked during their university years. They finally wound up on an abandoned beach, not far from the Nerv headquarters.

A sense of peace washed over Shinji as they pulled off their shoes and walked through the sand and surf.

"I spent some of my childhood here. When I worked for my father," Shinji said, leaving out the details.

He didn't talk about his past much, particularly the year he piloted an Eva . It was an incredibly challenging and terrible time. He wasn't sure why he felt so at ease on this beach, only feet away from where he was thrust into his own personal hell. But this beach, for unknown reasons, set his mind at rest. He had spent many nights here with Misato, crying on her shoulder and many nights here on his own, thinking about himself and what he wanted.

"This is old Tokyo-3, right?" Ryozo's voice seeped through Shinji's trip down memory lane. "I was moved out of here before all of the monsters started appearing," Ryozo said quietly. He sat next to Shinji, who stood above him, watching the setting sun.

"The Angels," Shinji murmured with a heavy sigh.

"Is that what they called them?" Ryozo asked. He couldn't remember much of that time and was unaware of the horrors that Shinji and four other children had endured. He didn't even know what an Eva was, let alone that it had his roommate as a pilot.

"Yeah. That's what they called them," Shinji said quietly and continued to stare out at the horizon.

Ryozo sat in silence, watching the waves crash upon the shore and Shinji, whose expression looked unbearably sad. He wished he understood what Shinji hid in his heart. He had tried many times to get Shinji to talk about it. Shinji put up a good front. If you didn't know him, you wouldn't know that he was dying inside.

Ryozo had learned when they began to live together that Shinji would push the subject aside. He would always turn the topic back to Ryozo.

"It's nice here," Ryozo said after a little while, looking up at Shinji. Tears were falling down the other man's face. "Shinji, what's wrong?" Ryozo stood up, concerned.

"Hmm? Nothing's wrong," he said.

Ryozo reached out and touched the wetness on Shinji's face. "You're crying."

"Oh, wow," he wiped the tears off his face. "I wonder what brought that on, I didn't even realize it."

"Do you have some bad memories here?"

"Well, some. But nothing that would bring me to tears," he said, going silent after that, listening to the soft, sobbing sound of the ocean.

When it started to get cold and dark, they both stood up and slipped their shoes back on.

Once they were back in their apartment, Shinji felt like he had finally come to peace with the horrors he had endured ten years ago. His father was dead, Nerv was disbanded, the angels were gone and he was finally able to be his own person. He was no longer manipulated by powers higher than himself.

"Thanks for going out with me today, Ryozo," Shinji smiled and laid a warm hand on Ryozo's shoulder.

Ryozo patted his hand and returned the smile. "My pleasure, Shinji."

When he crawled into bed that night, Shinji realized that the feeling of having forgotten something was gone. He knew that his trip today had something to do with that and he was glad he had taken it. With the next day, his life would finally be his own. He was finally able to completely move on from his past, he no longer allowed it to be a part of him.

Kaworu sat perched on the same rock that Shinji had found him on ten years ago. He had seen Shinji, was close enough to talk to him, to touch him. But when he saw the younger man approach with what he assumed was a friend, he had hid, buried himself in the shadows. Shinji truly had forgotten him, though it seemed Shinji's heart had not; the tears running down his face proved that. Something inside Shinji remembered him. They could wipe out his memory, but they couldn't destroy the effect that Kaworu had had on his heart.

Kaworu sobbed quietly, wishing he wasn't so lost and alone, abandoned on this planet and in this existence. If he wasn't able to get Shinji back, the whole thing would be a waste. Although he was able to see him in person once again, all he was still doing was watching.


	7. Next Time

The day after seeing Shinji, Kaworu found himself with a change of attitude. He knew that Shinji wasn't going to come to him, hell, Shinji didn't even know who he was. But he was no longer going to mope in his apartment, lamenting his bad luck. Instead, he got himself out, put in a few job applications, bought himself some clothes and started to make a life for himself here.

In his grief of Shinji forgetting him, he had overlooked the fact that he was given a new chance at life. No one knew him, he could be whatever and whomever he wanted. Shinji would no longer feel betrayed or distrustful of him. Kaworu could re-meet Shinji and try again, do it properly this time.

That evening, he settled into his apartment, deciding that the next day he was going to track Shinji down and try to make an introduction. He fell asleep that night with thoughts of getting to know Shinji under their own terms and with as much time as they wanted.

"Ryozo, do you have a job or are you a permanent fixture on my couch," Shinji said as he buttoned up his work shirt and tied the apron around his waist.

The other man looked up from his usual spot on the couch and grinned. "I'll have you know, this is both of our couch."

Shinji rolled his eyes. "You still didn't answer my question."

"Yes, of course I have a job. I can just do it from here. The beauty of bein' a writer, I can just email in all my articles. And before you scold me about watching TV all day, it's part of my job," Ryozo stood and got himself another cup of coffee.

"Well, you need to get out or something. Sitting around this much is gonna make you fat," Shinji said and made a dive to pinch Ryozo's midsection.

Ryozo laughed and shoved him away playfully. "Get your ass to work and make me some money!"

Shinji just shook his head and walked out the door, laughing to himself. Ryozo was something else, that was for sure. But when it came down to it, he was a wonderful friend and when bills rolled around, he put in his half without a second thought. Shinji even had reached the point where he found the other man's laziness enduring.

Ryozo settled back on the couch, pulling his laptop off the coffee table and opening it. He ran through his emails and then opened up his most recent article, featuring Japan's newest pop stars, and began typing away, losing himself in the computer.

He was jarred out of his concentration when he heard a knock on the door. He suddenly wished that he wasn't still in his pajamas, but it didn't really matter. It was probably just a salesman.

Ryozo opened the door and found a young man about his own age standing behind it. He was taken back by the man's unusual appearance. He had shaggy grey hair and brilliant red eyes that stood out brilliantly against pale skin. Ryozo found himself taking a step back, surprised. The young man however, just smiled politely and started speaking.

"Sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if an Ikari Shinji lived here?" The young man asked.

Ryozo nodded slowly. "Yeah. He lives here, but he's not here right now. Can I help you?"

"I'm an old friend of his. Where might I be able to find him?"

"Um, he's at work right now. He's a bartender at the restaurant down the street," Ryozo said, and wished he hadn't. Shinji would be annoyed for letting a complete stranger know where he worked.

"Thanks so much for your help," The young man smiled again. Ryozo pushed aside the desire to close the door and offered his hand. The young man may have been a bit unusual, but he seemed nice enough and it was good to hear Shinji had made some other friends. The other man shook it and then turned around and walked away.  
.  
Ryozo closed the door slowly and shrugged.

As Kaworu walked away from Shinji's apartment, he felt like he was walking on air. He had actually found him and he had just met his roommate, he was one step closer. He nearly ran to the restaurant that Shinji worked at. He was actually going to see him. Kaworu's heart swelled with excitement and anticipation as he opened the door and made his way back to the bar.

He swallowed hard and when his eyes fell on Shinji, handing a tray full of drinks to a waitress, Kaworu felt tears spring to his eyes. They had been separated for so long and while Shinji had no idea who he was, he was still there. Kaworu took a deep breath and took a seat at the bar, feeling giddy and light-headed.

"Can I get you anything?" Shinji asked him when he sat down.

Kaworu stared for a moment, barely in control his voice and movements. Once the question sank he, he smiled politely at Shinji. "A coke will be fine, thanks."

Shinji turned his back towards Kaworu and opened the tap, filling a glass up with coke. He set it down in front of Kaworu and went back to working. He glanced over his shoulder at the other man.

"If there's anything I can get you, please, don t hesitate to let me know," Shinji smiled and started cleaning glasses.

Shinji had an odd feeling about the man sitting at the bar. He wasn't sure what it was, but he felt uneasy for some reason. Shinji had an uncanny sense of familiarity, but he struggled to define it. It was probably the man's strange appearance. The man was young, but had the grey hair that normally graced old men and red eyes that seemed ready to swallow him up.  
  
Despite it all, the man was handsome and Shinji felt a mild attraction towards him. He shook the feeling off and started getting another tray worth of drinks ready when he heard the man's voice, speaking to him again.

"Been working here long?" Kaworu asked, trying to start a conversation. Shinji handed off the tray of drinks and smiled.

"Long enough."

"Do you like it here?" The man asked, sipping at his coke.

"Yeah, I can't really complain. It pays the bills and I enjoy myself. I can keep to myself most of the time, but at other times, I get to talk to nice folks such as your self," Shinji said.

"No need to flatter me," Kaworu's red eyes sparkling.

"I don't think I've ever seen you in here before. Are you new to the area?" Shinji asked, finding himself enjoying the small talk.

"Yes, I'm new. I moved here just a few weeks ago."

"I hope you've found it welcoming so far."

"I have," The man paused for a second and finished off his coke. "I haven't met too many people yet though," he said, looking a bit sad at this.

"No one at all?" Shinji poured himself a water and wiped the bar idly.

"I guess I haven't really been looking. I came here in hopes to meet up with an old friend, but I'm afraid he's forgotten all about me," Kaworu said with a cryptic smile.

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"No fault of yours. These things happen," Kaworu shrugged and offered his empty glass back for a refill.

"Is there nothing else I can get you?" Shinji asked, handing back the beverage.

"An evening out perhaps," Kaworu said before he could stop himself. He clapped his hands over his mouth and felt a light blush rising to his cheeks.

Shinji chuckled, surprised. It wasn't everyday the bartender got asked for a date.

"I'm so sorry. That was inappropriate, not to mention ridiculous. I shouldn't have asked that," Kaworu said, standing up.

"No, it's all right, really. Please sit back down," Shinji was laughing in spite of himself.

Kaworu got back in his seat, embarrassed and knowing he had blown his opportunity. So much for being smooth and suave, sweeping Shinji off his feet. Instead he looked like a fool who had nothing better than to use awful pick up lines on the daytime bartender.

"You're going to have to come along a few more times before I'll agree to that," Shinji still had a hint of a laugh in his voice. "I'm flattered though. Learn a bit about me before you ask me out, my name may be a good start," Shinji smirked.

Kaworu arched an eyebrow. If only Shinji knew. But he wasn't supposed to know anything about him and to spout off things like his name would just confuse him. So he played along, content with taking it slow.

"Alright then. What's you're name?" Kaworu asked.

"Next time you come in, I'll tell you," Shinji smiled coyly, rather enjoying this little game. He never considered himself much a flirt, but what did he have to lose?

Kaworu smiled. There was going to be a next time, he hadn't messed everything up entirely. "Alright. Next time then."


	8. Silent All These Years

Shinji walked into his apartment, finding the space dark and silent. He looked at the calendar and chuckled to himself. It was deadline day at the newspaper. Ryozo would be stumbling in half-dead about about 4-6 in the morning. His roommate seemed to have the easiest job most of the time, but when it came to crunch time, Shinji wouldn't trade him for the world.

Shinji took the empty apartment as a blessing and took a hot shower, changing into more comfortable clothes. His thoughts kept wandering back to the young man at the bar. A blush rose to his cheeks as he remembered the interest that the man had shown in him and those intense red eyes staring into his.

Shinji shook the thoughts off. People were dangerous creatures and often led to heartbreak or pain. He had been left by so many people, he struggled with the idea of getting close to someone, despite also craving that intimacy.

He pulled his cello out of the closet, wondering when the last time he had played it. He eased into a chair and settled the cello between his legs. After a few minutes of tuning it, he began to play songs buried deep in his memory.

"A song is good" he said to himself.

Hearing the music from his instrument drift to his ears took him back to a time he had fought so desperately to forget. However he found himself remembering some of the fun times that had kept him sane. On a day like this, he had played in an empty apartment and Asuka walked in and actually complimented him. It was an amazing thing and while she would surely laugh at him for it, he had never forgotten the small appreciation she had granted him.

Thoughts of Asuka led to thoughts of Misato which led to many other memories he pushed to the back of his mind. After defeating the angels, Nerv was disbanded, and who remained went their separate ways. Asuka returned to Germany, Misato began working for yet another top secret agency in the Japanese government. His father was long dead.

Rei . . . .

He hadn't thought about the enigmatic young woman for quite some time. He couldn't even recall what she wound up doing. His mind flashed images of thousands of clones floating in a container of LCL, a pained and bleeding girl with piercing red eyes. Eyes that were not quite human . . .

He shuddered, shaken by the vivid pictures in his mind. Red eyes seemed to burn the back of his skull and he wished he knew why. Rei was an amazing creature, gentle and kind, but withdrawn and always sad. Was she happy, where ever she was?

Shinji set his cello aside and walked out on his porch, breathing in the cool night air, hoping to clear his head. All of this had crashed on him rather unexpectedly and his chest felt tight. He fought the urge to sink to the floor of the porch and sob, like he would have so long ago. He stood strong and just stared out. He wondered what all those people were up to and if they thought about him. Or was he nothing more than a part of a nightmare.

A sharp ring threw Shinji out of his thoughts. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone, flipping it open.

A tired voice came over the phone.

"Come pick me up, I'm too tired to drive home." It was Ryozo, his voice thick and slurred.

"I haven't got a car, Ryozo," Shinji said, continuing to look out on the night sky.

"Then catch a bus or somethin' and I'll let you drive home," Ryozo sighed and Shinji heard him thunk against the wall.

"Alright, I'll be there soon," Shinji hung up and grabbed his coat off the peg by the door and made his way towards the newspaper.

He stuffed his hands in his pockets and stared at the ground, wanting to get to Ryozo's office as quickly as possibly. He ignored people that passed him by, not glancing up once.

"Hey! You shouldn't be out here, walking alone this late at night," A voice came to his ear, causing him to look up. A flash of red caught in a street light, startling Shinji. Images flashed across his mind and were gone before he could process them.

"Who's there?" He called back, drawing his coat up around his face.

The figure stepped out from the steps he was sitting on and into the full light. Shinji recognized the voice to belong to the man that had hit on him on the bar earlier.

"Were you following me or something?" Shinji asked, instantly suspicious.

Kaworu pulled a knitted cap off his head, causing silver hair to fall into his eyes. "No, I live here. I just saw you walking by yourself. I didn't realize it was you, from the bar, up until a second ago," Kaworu explained, standing calmly, playing idly with his cap.

"Oh . . . well, I've got to get going. You probably shouldn't shout at people walking by, it's weird. I'll catch you around," Shinji said and began to walk off.

Kaworu followed him.

"I don't think you oughta be out here alone," He said, striding along side him. Shinji began to walk faster.

"Why? So I can be safe from creeps?" Shinji's tone was growing more annoyed.

"Yes."

"And you're not a creep?" Shinji asked sarcasticly.

"Please, let me walk with you. I'm not malicious, I promise," Kaworu smiled politely.

Shinji looked him over. The man didn't strike him as dangerous, but he was still uncomfortable.

"I don't know you. And I don't trust people I don't know," Shinji told him.

Kaworu nodded at this and thrust his hand out.

"I'm Kaworu. Nagisa Kaworu."

Shinji took the extended hand and shook it tentatively.

"I guess I do owe you my name, it is next time'. I'm Ikiri Shinji."

Kaworu couldn't help the smile that broke out brightly across your face.

"Nice to meet you, Ikari-san," Kaworu shook his hand and resumed walking beside him.

"Shinji is fine, Nagisa-san," Shinji said, shuddering. His father was Ikari-san.

"And Kaworu is fine with me," Kaworu strode easily next to Shinji. "Where are you going?"

"I've got to pick my roommate up from work," Shinji said, beginning to relax around the other man, glad for the company, though his brain was telling him he probably shouldn't.

"What's he do for a living?" Kaworu asked.

"He's a journalist. This is the one night a week he actually has to work his ass off," Shinji chuckled.

"Oh, does he not normally work very hard?" Kaworu was beside himself with happiness. He and Shinji were just talking casually, no impending doom, no tension, just two young men having a friendly conversation.

"I guess he does, but I'm on my feet for twelve hours a day sometimes, and he is making a butt groove in our couch, so I guess I don't always give him enough credit."

A silence fell over them and they just walked, a cool breeze playing in their hair. They walked peacefully next to each other, neither one quite sure what to say next. But the silence was nice. It had been so long since Kaworu had really been in the presence of another person, he swallowed up the companionship. Without even thinking about it, he reached down and slipped his hand into Shinji's.

Upon feeling the warm hand in his, Shinji jumped and tensed. A warm flush rose to his cheeks and he suddenly felt like an adolescent boy.

"Ummm, Kaworu . . . . ?" Shinji asked nervously.

Kaworu, red eyes were filled with innocence.

"You're holding my hand. I . . .could you not?" Shinji asked, his voice now quite small.

Kaworu felt a slight stab of rejection and let the hand drop to his side. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you," Kaworu explained.

"I know, it's just . . . it's nothing. Don't worry about it," Shinji said and looked off into the distance.

Kaworu watched him. Shinji was still the same scared boy, even after all this time. He had become even more closed off with time, trained at hiding his insecurities, his fears, putting forth an aura of false confidence. He had never worked through his demons, but suppressed them, living under the lie that they would just disappear if he didn't think about them. Kaworu wanted to help Shinji, now that he knew he wasn't going to become one of those many things that caused the him pain. This time, Kaworu had time to crack the shell Shinji had put up to protect himself.

"We're here," Shinji said, opening the door to the newspaper building.

Laying asleep on the couch in the lobby was one very worn out Ryozo. Black hair stained the white of the couch and the man was curled up on himself. Shinji walked up to him and nudged him gently.

"Come on, Ryozo. Time to go home."

Kaworu watched his interaction with the other man and wished he could suppress the pang of jealousy that nipped at him. Kaworu wanted that soft voice and that gentle touch.

Ryozo sat up and rubbed madly at his eyes and with Shinji's help got to his feet. "48 hours, Shinji. That's how long I've been up," Ryozo mumbled sleepily, too tired to notice the man who had knocked his apartment door earlier.

Shinji just nodded and helped Ryozo in to the back of the car, where he laid down and promptly went back to sleep. Kaworu sat shotgun, while Shinji attempted to get the car adjusted to him. He could pilot an Eva, but could never quite get the hang of driving a car. It was a rough ride back to Kaworu's apartment as Shinji struggled with the clutch.

"Thanks for walking with me," Shinji said when Kaworu opened the door to leave.

"You're welcome," Kaworu smiled and started to close the door. "Is there any chance we can meet up again?"

"Yeah, I think so. Good night, Kaworu," Shinji said and the door closed. He drove off, Kaworu standing in the cool night, feeling rather confused.

As a boy, Shinji had taken kindness and an offer of friendship with open arms, desperate and needy for one person to like him. Now he was withdrawn and guarded himself well. Shinji had found his roommate and seemed content with that. Kaworu sighed and walked back up to his apartment and put himself to bed. Tomorrow would be another day and he had no time limit.

"Who was that with you, Shinji?" Ryozo asked, half asleep walking to his bed.

"Someone I've just met"  
  
"It's about time you've met some new people," Ryozo said with a large yawn and succumbed to sleep for the night.


	9. Collide

A sharp buzz in his ear followed by a dull smack was the sound of Kaworu waking up. He looked bleary eyed at his alarm clock and threw back his sheets, putting his feet onto the cold floor. He stretched like a cat and scratched idly on his way to the bathroom. Work today. He emptied his bladder, jumped in the shower, shaved the soft peach fuzz that grew on his chin and then brushed his teeth.

Human life, was for one thing, dull and routine at times. Not that being imprisoned for ten years was terribly interesting either, but Kaworu had forgotten the monotony that often came with being a human.

He woke up in the morning, went to work, came home and did it all over again. He had expected to be with Shinji as soon as he got back on Earth, but that wasn't the case. He had seen Shinji a couple times, and was no more than a blip on Shinji's radar.

He also wished his job came easier to him, he tended to daydream, which got him into trouble. He cashiered at a market and was often reprimanded for seeming cold or aloof, when in fact he had just lost himself in thought. He fumbled with money, not accustom to dealing with currency, and was unable to answer many questions for customers because he simply didn't know much about human food and was only just keeping himself fed on endless packs of instant noodles. His boss was lenient with him though wrongly assuming him to be handicapped.

His appearance aided in his manager's conclusion. His red eyes, pale skin, and grey hair often brought unkind stares from adults and rude questions from children. He took it in stride, but such things dug under his skin and he found his emotions were already unstable. His human body was much prone to mood swings.. One moment, he would be laughing and happy, the next, in tears and depressed. He carried a heavy load on his shoulders. He was still an angel in his mind.

Kaworu wanted to prove that he was a bright, intelligent, and normal man, but it seemed like everything was working against him. This was a mental blow he had not been expecting. Before, he had been adapt at piloting an Eva and considered wise beyond his years. But he had been an angel then. He was no less intelligent, but his adapting skills were slower. So he played along, playing dumb when necessary to get by and smiling despite the disappointment that he felt.

He finally understood the pain that Shinji had felt as a child and how fragile the human heart truly was.

Kaworu tugged on his jacket and pulled his wool cap over his hair and made his way out to work. Time passed slowly at work, he was bored and the idle conversation with customers was hardly interesting.

He scanned a loaf of bread, a can of soup, several packs of instant ramen before he looked up and saw Shinji smiling at him, watching his groceries as they disappeared into bags.

"So I've caught you at work now," Shinji smiled when Kaworu looked up finally.

Kaworu was taken back. He laughed nervously and scratched idly behind his ears. "I'm sorry . . . I was day dreaming, I didn't see you come through my line," Kaworu said, his cheeks felt warm.

"You seemed bored," Shinji said, as Kaworu continued to ring him up.

"I was . . . .”

”I just want to say thank you for walking with me to pick up my roommate," Shinji said and looked down, feeling more nervous than he thought he should.

"Oh, sure. You're welcome," Kaworu said and hit the total button on his register, reading out his total.

Shinji slid his card through the machine and took a deep breath. "I get off work at 9 tonight . . . .meet me there?" Shinji said in a small voice.

Kaworu blinked with surprise, dropping the slip of paper and pen he was about to hand Shinji. "Never mind," Shinji quickly signed the paper, handed it back to Kaworu and left, his bags in tow.

Kaworu stood gobsmacked as Shinji ran out of the market. He cursed himself and quickly got back to work, before his manager noticed.

At the end of his shift, Kaworu returned to his apartment, lost in thought. Shinji, quiet, shy, not aggressive Shinji Ikari had just asked him to meet him after work. What for, he didn't say. So this wasn't a date, but Shinji wanted to be around him, so this was an improvement. Kaworu found his mood was brighter than it had been in a while and he flopped contentedly on his couch and sang along with the radio. He was going to meet Shinji at nine.

Shinji walked quickly back to his apartment and dropped the bags as soon as he walked through the door. Ryozo looked up from his laptop and arched an eyebrow. Shinji ran past him, slammed the door to his room and Ryozo was fairly sure he heard the click of the door locking. What the hell was his problem?

Ryozo dutifully stood up and put the groceries away, then walked to Shinji's door and tapped on it gently.

"Shinji? What's up?"

A muffled sound floated through the door, but it didn't make any sense. Ryozo sighed and tried again. The same muffled sound, which sounded a bit like leave me alone or go away.

Ryozo deftly picked the lock to the door and found his roommate, face buried in his bed. Ryozo walked over to him and sat on the edge of the bed, resting a hand on him, rubbing lightly.

"What's going on?" Ryozo asked, voice soft.

"I don't know," came the still muffled reply. Ryozo rolled him over gently and scooted fully onto the bed.

"Come on! Go away!" Shinji shouted and nearly shoved Ryozo off the bed.

Ryozo stood quickly, glaring. "What the hell is wrong with you!"

"I don't want to talk about it! Leave me alone!"

Ryozo left, resisting the urge to slam the door angrily after him.

Shinji curled up in his bed. He was confused and embarrassed. Where had he finally got the nerve to ask some one out? And not only that, another man. He hadn't ever been interested in women, but he had never really been interested in any one. He lacked the confidence to pursue any sort of relationship and hadn't given much thought to preference one or way or another. The only relationship he had was his friendship with Ryozo . If it weren't for Ryozo's innate openness and friendliness, it probably wouldn't exist.

Shinji felt more lonely than he had in years. He couldn't remember a time that he had loved any single person and the possibility of finding someone to share his heart with scared him. Loneliness, a hallow empty feeling, was better than the hurt and pain of opening up and exposing himself. He was scared to be hurt. He was also increasingly scared of being alone for the rest of his life. What happened when Ryozo grew tired of him? Or married someone? There would be no one left in his life.

Shinji wiped stray tears from his cheeks and opened his door. Ryozo sat on the couch, staring blankly at the tv, his laptop sitting on his lap, ignoring him. It was a difficult thing to upset Ryozo, but he had managed it. Shinji sat on the couch next to him and didn't say anything.

Ryozo kept his eyes forward, ignoring the presence next to him.

"Hey, Ryozo?" Shinji said quietly, not looking at the other man, his eyes staying ahead.

"What?" was Ryozo's terse reply.

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

Shinji moved closer to his roommate, his one friend, his one source of companionship, and rested his head tentatively on his shoulder. Ryozo wrapped an arm around his waist into a half hug.

"How long have we known each other?" Shinji asked.

"I dunno. . . since university at least."

"Did you know I've lived with you longer than anyone else . . . ever?"

"You're kidding, right?" Ryozo said, a bit surprised. Shinji shook his head.

"I've met someone, I think. . .and I'm scared," Shinji whispered.

"Of what? Being hurt? It's a part of life, kid," Ryozo's hand reached up and rubbed Shinji's shoulder. "Don't be afraid. You need other people in your life."

Shinji just nodded and stayed quiet, enjoying the gentle rubbing on his shoulder.

"It's about time you got ready for work," Ryozo sad, patting him, nudging him to stand.

Shinji stood up and took a shower, then pulled on the black slacks and white shirt he wore for work. He had asked Kaworu to meet him after his shift. Was he going to show up? Or had he even heard what Shinji had said?

Shinji kept busy during his shift. He was mixing drinks and chatting politely with customers. He was a different person at work. While quiet when left to himself, when it was busy, he somehow lost his quiet self and was talkative and cheerful. Ladies winked at the cute bartender and tried to flirt. Shinji winked back and would slip them a free shot.

He loved his job because it allowed him to lose himself. He got along well with his coworkers and he wrapped himself up in the energy and fun the restaurant. But when the clock struck nine, he was back to being Shinji, who was quiet and reserved. As he clocked out, his heart took a sudden leap. He had forgotten about what had happened with Kaworu earlier and when he stepped outside, there he stood.

Kaworu wore tight fitting jeans and a worn, second hand t-shirt with a green jacket over it. His grey hair was tousled and a light blush was on his cheeks from the light breeze that blew around them. He looked up when Shinji stepped outside and a small smile formed on his lips. He offered his hand, not sure what Shinji would do with it.

Shinji blinked for a moment and stared a bit longer than he should have. His heart was pounding. Why did Kaworu look suddenly irresistible in the glow of the street lamp above them? What the hell was going on?

"Kaworu . . . I didn't expect you to be here," Shinji said, once he had regained his voice.

"You're the one who invited me," Kaworu said, smiling, feeling warm just being near the one he loved so dearly.

"I know, but . . . " Shinji was silenced by a thin, pale finger placed on his lips.

Shinji looked up into vibrant scarlet eyes.

"Just walk with me a while," Kaworu said, his hand slipping down, gently grasping Shinji's hand.

Shinji squeaked nervously, but Kaworu just began to walk, coming off cool-headed and confident. Shinji blinked and did the only thing he could do, walk with him.

After walking a while in silence, Shinji looked over at the other man, whose hand was in his, and smiled quite happily to himself.

"Where are we going, Kaworu?" Shinji asked.

"No where," Kaworu said.

Shinji found himself rubbing the top of Kaworu's hand with his thumb.

"Are you afraid?" Kaworu asked, catching Shinji off guard.

"Afraid of what?"

"Well, earlier, when you asked me to meet up with you, you ran away," Kaworu said.

"Oh, that. I guess I am afraid," Shinji said, looking down at the ground.

"Of what?"

Shinji looked up, blue catching red. He looked back down again, overwhelmed by thoughts and emotions. Why was this man turning him inside out and why was he shaking?

"I don't know," Shinji replied, quietly. The sound of a wave crashing caused him to look back up.

"It all began here. It is said to be the primordial soup of all life on earth. But it's constantly flowing, changing, yet every time I come back to it, I feel the same," Kaworu said, watching the waves crash gently on the shore, the full moon illuminating the beach.

"I know what you mean . . . I've been coming to this beach since I was a small boy, but when I'm here," Shinji sighed, "I'm home."

Kaworu nodded, his hand still in Shinji's as they both sat down in the sand. "The moon looks very beautiful tonight," He said, leaning back, looking at the sky.

"It is."

They both got very quiet, staring out into the ocean and the sky, two endless spaces no man could completely comprehend.

"Shinji? Have you ever wanted something so badly, you would give everything up to have it?" Kaworu asked quietly. Shinji looked at him, confused.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean . . . never mind," Kaworu said then let out a sigh. He couldn't explain it to Shinji without risking his humanity. He closed his mouth and continued to look out at the ocean.

Shinji found himself growing a bit tired, and adjusted himself to lean his head on Kaworu. Kaworu just looked at him, tears forming behind his eyes. Shinji would never realize that Kaworu had defied God and His angels to be in this very spot. This one moment was perfect happiness for Kaworu. Shinji would never know the sacrifices that Kaworu made just to have his cowardly, weak human boy sit with him. Tears fell quietly, the emotion too much for him to restrain. His hands stroked Shinji's soft brown hair and when Shinji looked up at him, childlike wonder in his bright blue eyes, he pressed a soft, searching kiss on Shinji's lips.

Shinji was surprised by the kiss, but found himself quickly melting into it. It had been so very long since he felt another's touch and he found he needed it more desperately than he had ever thought. Kaworu laid down, Shinji leaning over him, their lips pressed together, soft tongues meeting in wet, warm mouths. Kaworu's arms reached up and pulled Shinji as close as possible to him and Shinji's fingers wound themselves in Kaworu's hair.

Kaworu gasped, heart pounding and swelling. He found himself nearly sobbing in Shinji's embrace.

"What's wrong Kaworu? Kaworu, did I do something wrong?" Shinji looked up, hurt in his eyes.

Kaworu stroked his face, rolling them both on their sides, wrapped his legs around Shinji's. "Nothing's wrong . . I'm sorry. I've been overly emotional lately, it's just this is so lovely. You've done nothing wrong," Kaworu said and continued to kiss him.

Shinji's mind was spinning. This wasn't ever supposed to happen to him, this blissful, light-headed feeling, was one he never thought he could claim as his own. He barely knew the man next to him, kissing him tenderly and urgently. Why did Kaworu want him? What was desireable about him? Shinji pushed the thoughts aside, feeling safe in Kaworu's arms. Reason and reality could crash down on him later, but for now, he just wanted this.

The kiss broke slowly, their eyes glued on each other. Shinji's fingers tangled in Kaworu's hair and Kaworu's long limbs wrapped up in Shinji's. Small smiles grew on both their face, this was where they were supposed to be.

"I should probably go home," Shinji said, his voice soft.

Shinji kissed him again.

"Come home with me," Kaworu's finger traced down Shinji's face.

Shinji pulled himself back slowly, looking at the other man, clothes skewed, hair everywhere, red eyes sparkling in the moonlight. He wanted to, he really really wanted to. He touched Kaworu gently, cupped his face in his hand and kissed him again. Kaworu nibbled Shinji's bottom lip and whispered in his ear.

"Take a chance, don't be afraid tonight, Shinji," Kaworu murmured.

Shinji nodded and Kaworu led him back to his apartment, where they stood awkwardly in the door way.

"This is nice," Shinji looked around the simple space.

"I just moved in. I like it. I like you," Kaworu pinned Shinji against the door and kissed him again. His hands drifted down and slipped under Shinji's shirt.

"What are we doing?" Shinji asked, a blush on his cheeks and a wild look in his eyes.

Kaworu smiled mysteriously and unbuttoned Shinji's shirt, letting it slide gracefully off his shoulders.

Their lips met again and Kaworu's hands explored Shinji's bare chest, up his smooth, warm waist, over his erect nipples, making their way to hold Shinji's face lovingly in his hands. Shinji felt his breath quicken and he was drunk off the feeling of Kaworu's soft hands.

Shinji felt his own hands move on their own accord to pull off Kaworu's t-shirt, letting it fall to the floor and he pulled him close, the men holding each other tightly. Kaworu began pulling Shinji towards the bedroom and when that door closed after them, they fell into each others arms, kissing and caressing.

"I don't really know what I'm doing," Shinji confessed, blushing. Kaworu grinned.

"Neither do I," he said as he unbuttoned Shinji's work trousers and pulled them down. Shinji squirmed nervously, but a kiss on his hip caused a shock thorugh his body that distracted him. His hips jerked up against Kawrous's lips.

"Kaworu . . . . I'm scared again," Shinji said breathlessly.

Kaworu kicked his own jeans to the side and slid right next to Shinji, hugging him and kissing him.

Shinji sighed and kissed Kaworu's forehead. He wasn't sure what he wanted out of tonight, but this was certainly good enough for him. Kaworu's hands still explored his body, brushing more than once over an increasingly uncomfortable bulge in his boxers and when that hand slipped down into them, he jumped slightly, surprised.

Kaworu's hand slid down and he stroked, kissing Shinji. Shinji moaned and made small noises, raising his hips into Kaworu's hand.

He murmured, his voice barely above a whisper and spilled into Kaworu's hand.

Shinji opened his eyes, his hands gripping onto Kaworu's shoulder, panting. He let his fingers trail down Karowu's side and the other man inhaled sharlply when Shinji's palm brushed across his straining erection.

"You don't have to," Kawrous voice was tight.

"I want to," Shinji whispered and slid the garment between them down Kawrou's slim hips.

Kaworu pushed up against Shinji's hand as his fingers wrapped around him and stroked firmly. A gutteral moan esacaped Kawrou's lips and his fingers tightened into Shinji's hair.

"Okay?" Shinji asked, taking in the slight of Kaworu's flushed skin, glistening with sweat.

"Yes. . ." Kaworu gasped and kissed Shinji firmly and burined his face in his shoulder as Shinji brought him closer to his peak.

He came with a cry and tears rolled silently down his cheeks.

Kaworu held him close, his heart more full than he could have ever imagined. He watched as Shinji's eye lids grew heavy as he slipped into a content and heavy sleep. Kaworu smiled at him and wrapped his body tightly around Shinji and drifted off himself.


	10. Say Goodbye

It wasn't the warm body pressed by his side that Shinji noticed when he opened his eyes. He looked up and saw a ceiling that wasn't his own. He always noticed ceilings first. Throughout his time as an Eva pilot, the ever changing ceilings he woke up to served as a symbol of his uncertainty in life. He realized then that nothing for him was set in stone: his relationships, his feelings, even where he woke up.

Another unfamiliar ceiling. It all felt so strange; as if he had been returned to that time of his life. Shinji looked over at the young man, snoring fitfully at his side. De ja vu continued to rush over him. He had never been here before and Kaworu was new to town . . . so why did he feel like he was fourteen again?

Shinji sighed and stretched, hearing a sleepy moan of complaint and Kaworu readjusting in his sleep.  
Shinji stared, wondering how he had gotten there. he barely knew the man sleeping next to him. He didn't know where he was from, what his family was like, what his hobbies where . . anything. Kaworu was essentially a perfect stranger.

After his time as an Eva pilot, he was alone and broken and the only way to rebuild himself was to distance himself, ensuring he would never feel the utter emptiness he'd felt as a teeneager.

He struggled to open his heart because Shinji didn't think there was anything there, nothing lovable or redeemable about him. As he grew, went to school and began to work, Shinji opened slightly. Not exactly healed, but patched enough to a functioning human.

Now he was here: naked in a bed with a man he had only just met.

"Good morning," came a quiet, heavy voice from beside him.

Shinji jumped slightly, pulled from his thoughts.

Kaworu pulled himself up slightly to rest his head on Shinji's chest. "I felt you moving. I just woke up," Kaworu smiled softly. Shinji studied the silver hair that tickled his chest.

Kaworu murmured wordlessly to himself and ran his fingers idly across Shinji's bare chest. Then he looked up, red eyes vibrant despite the fact he had just woken up.

"Sleep good?" Kaworu asked, hands still softly touching Shinji.

Shinji just nodded. His head was spinning and he couldn't seem to pull together a single thought together. An memory lingered in the back of his brian, like a vague dream. Shinji concentrated, trying to grasp it, but it flittered away from him too quickly. He was left with his mind blank and feeling frustrated. He pulled himself from Kaworu's arms abruptly and left the room without another word.

Kaworu watched him leave and slumped back sadly on his bed. He could only imagine what was going through Shinji's head. He had no memory of Kaworu . . Tabris' sacrifice. While it was a fact Kaworu understood, he hated that Shinji thought he was a random stranger.

Kaworu pulled himself out of bed, tugged on pants and found Shinji sitting in the living room. Kaworu leaned against the wall and pushed a hand through rumpled silver locks.

"You okay, Shinji?" He asked, breaking the heavy silence that had fallen over the room.

Shinji said nothing, not even glancing at Kaworu. Kaworu sighed . . . why did everything have to be an uphill battle. . couldn't he win for once!

"I think we need to talk about what happened here last night," Kaworu tried again, doing his very best to keep his internal frustration out of his voice.

"There's nothing to talk about," Shinji replied this time, but his eyes remained fixed on the empty space before him.

"Something is clearly bothering you," Kaworu shifted his weight, unconsciously taking a defensive stance.

"What happened, happened. Nothing to talk about," Shinji's voice was cold and detached.

"Shinji! How much longer do you plan on running from your problems?" Kaworu's voice raised slightly. As an angel, he had impeccable control over his emotions; as a human, he found his fuse had been shortened considerably.

Shinji stiffened at Kaworu's words, he'd obviously hit a nerve.

"What do you know about anything!? I don't even know you!" Shinji was on his feet, advancing on Kaworu.

Kaworu glared at him. It was Shinji who knew nothing. Knew nothing of the hollowness in his heart when Shinji was away. Knew nothing of the ten years they both suffered. Knew nothing about anything . . and it was Kaworu's fault. As it all washed on him, Kaworu couldn't help the furious tears that filled his eyes.

"You don't understand! And that's my fault. God damn it!" Kaworu threw his hands up and paced around the living room of his apartment. These human emotions overwhelmed him. Hurt, fury, pain, betrayal, and love coursed through his blood like molten lava. He felt hopeless and lost.

Shinji watched him for a moment, then gathered his things.

"Shinji, you don't have to go, I'm sorry," Kaworu stopped his pacing and put a hand on Shinji's arm.

Shinji pulled his arm back. "No, I'm sorry. I made a mistake by coming here . . . I don't even know you," Shinji placed his hand on the door and opened it.

"No! Shinji!" the door closed.

Kaworu let out a shout of rage and kicked the closed door furiously. He thrsut his hands in his hair, pulling hard, his weak human heart stuggling to cope with the blow Shinji had just dealt. He felt like a caged animal and his chest heaved, if he stayed here he was likely to destroy the apartment. He needed to get out.

He pulled his shoes on quickly and ran the sea shore, the one place he found comfort.

Once again, Kaworu was on his knees, screaming to the heavens.

"Is this what I sacrificed for!? A man who doesn't know me! His heart remembers! His body remembers! But humans think with their damn minds!" Kaworu buried his face in his hands.

God had no obligation to answer a mere human's plea of why. God had no obligation to a fallen angel.


	11. Somewhere Other Than the Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry folks, I uploaded the wrong chapter 11 (what I had uploaded was chapter 12). Everything is now in the correct order. If you were reading before I noticed this oopsie, then you've already read chapter 12, but probably haven't read this one. Best to read both again :)

Ryozo was standing at the kitchen counter, munching on freshly made breakfast when Shinji walked through the door. He looked up, his roommate was wearing the same clothes from yesterday and seemed disheveled.Ryozo grinned wickedly . . . Shinji had apparently made a new friend last night.

"Hey, Shinji! What happened last night?" Ryozo asked, swallowing down a bit of food and wiping his mouth his his sleeve.

Shinji looked up at Ryozo for a moment. If he didn't respond, Ryozo would be upset, if he did, then Shinji would have to re-live what happened last night . . . and this morning. He took a deep breath, Ryozo was the only person who cared for him, may as well not ruin that relationship as well.

"I went out with a guy last night and stayed the night," Shinji said, deciding to make himself some breakfast as well.

"Yeah?Well done!Didn't think you had it in ya. Was it that fella you mentioned? Did anything happen?" Ryozo asked, a bit surprised, it wasn't like Shinji to be that impulsive.

Shinji was quiet for a moment, placing bread in the toaster. "Yeah, same guy. Nothing serious, but yeah." 

Ryozo clapped him on the back, a bit proud that Shinji was getting out there."Are you going out again?" Ryozo asked, sipping at his juice. 

"I don't think so. We only just met and he's going too fast for me. I think I made a big mistake last night. I just left this morning," Shinji shrugged.

"Wait, you just left?Did you leave a note or something?” 

"No. He was awake when I left. He wanted me to stay, but it was just too weird, so I kinda just . . . ran out," Shinji explained, looking intently at his toast.

Ryozo frowned. "You ran away?"

"What?" Shinji looked up, his eyes wide. "He was a complete stranger and I let him . . . "Shinji felt the heat rise in his cheeks as he played back the night before.The memories of tangled limbs and initmate kisses left him feeling exposed."Look, I don't know anything about him and I just jumped in bed with him! It was a mistake."

"So you just left? The guy seems to like you, wouldn't have asked you to stay if he didn't.And you must like him.You've got to start somewhere man, no relationship starts with knowing every single thing about each other.Did you even hear him out?” 

"No. . . " Shinji looked down at his feet, Ryozo was right and it stung. "Look Ryozo, it isn't a big deal. I'll never see him again."

Ryozo rolled his eyes and cleaned up his dishes. "Stop being so dramatic.Talk to him at least and clear the air.You can't just use someone for your own needs and walk away.” 

"Use him for what?" Shinji glared, offended that Ryozo was sticking up for Kaworu, who he didn't even know.

"I don't know, if a someone stayed with me then just called me a stranger and ran out without any conisderation for how I feel or anything, I'd be feeling a little bit used," Ryozo kept calm, knowing that Shinji didn't respond well to being shouted at. 

"I didn't use him." 

"Maybe not on purpose. Call him again, ask him on a date or something," Ryozo offered.

"No."

"Quit being so damn afraid of letting people in your life."

Shinji glared and threw what was left of his food in the trash. "I didn't run away." 

Ryozo was quiet after this, he had said his piece. Shinji was running again. Shinji was always running.

Ryozo just threw up his hands and wandered out into the living room, leaving Shinji seething in the kitchen.

"I didn't run away. I made a mistake, I don't know him," He said to himself, walking to his bedroom and closing the door. 

But Shinji was just lying to himself. He crawled under his sheets, finding himself missing the warm embrace he had woken up to this morning, the one he didn't even notice at first. But now he felt the ghost of where Kaworu had been pressed against him. Kaworu seemed genuine enough, what ulterior motives could he really have? Ryozo was right, he had used Kaworu. Used Kaworu for his kind heart and warm willing body.

The hurt in Kaworu's voice as he left echoed in his ears. Kaworu wanted him to stay, even after all those things he had said. What would be so bad about letting someone into his life? He could get hurt . . . . he was already hurting from being alone. Kaworu wanted to be with him, wanted to spend time with him. Shinji found he wanted the same. 

Shinji sighed and walked out of his room. Ryozo was cleaning up the kitchen and didn't look up when Shinji stood at the counter.

"Okay, if we pretend you're right, what do I do to make it up to him?" Shinji asked, not ready to admit that he was wrong, at least out loud.

"You can start off by not pretending that I'm right. You fucked up, get over that.I am right" Ryozo said and tossed the sponge into the sink.

"Hey! I don't need a fight with you, Ryozo. Just help me out, okay?" Shinji asked, feeling frustration start to swell inside him. 

"You need to work this out on your own. You gotta grow up and face it. You made the problem, you fix it," Ryozo said and pulled out his laptop, sitting down to start writing.

"What the hell is your problem! I'm just asking for you help." Shinji snarled. "Some best friend you are." 

Ryozo ignored Shinji and just started typing the story he had to turn in later that day.

"Don't ignore me!" Shinji shouted suddenly, standing in front of Ryozo.

Ryozo put the laptop aside and stood up, staring the other man down.

"Grow up Shinji.This is your problem, I don't know the guy, I don't know what happened or what was said.You can fix this, but you gotta figure out how. I don't have the answer," Ryozo's voice was hard and cold. 

Shinji's face contorted with hurt. He sudden leaned forward, pulling Ryozo close to him, hot bitter tears running down his cheeks.

"What's wrong with me, Ryozo?" He asked, his voice muffled from Ryozo's shirt.

The other man sighed and patted his back reassuringly. "I dunno kiddo." 

Shinji stood there, Ryozo's warm hand rubbing his back slowly. He felt safe and protected at that moment, nothing could hurt him right now. A strange thought of his father came to his mind as he stood in his roommate's arms. He never had this affection when he was younger, his father would have never even thought of holding and comforting his son. . . and yet Ryozo and Kaworu did it freely and without question. He was afraid that it wasn't real . . . he pushed them away because he was afraid of being hurtHe hadn't changed since he was 14 years old, not really, just got better at pretending he was okay.He didn't reject Kaworu because he was a stranger; he did it because he was scared to death that Kaworu would reject him first. And all Kaworu seemed to want was to get closer to him. He took a deep breath and allowed himself to be held, not pushing away, but embracing the protection and warmth that he now felt. He then looked up at Ryozo and heaved a heavy sigh.

"I'm going to call him . . ." Shinji said. 

"Best damn idea you've had all day," Ryozo said with a smile. Shinji returned the smile and stepped slowly out of Ryozo's arms. He glanced over his shoulder as he made his way to the phone.

"Thanks . . . by the way. I needed that," Shinji said and stood at the phone.

"You didn't get his phone number, did you?" Ryozo asked after a few minutes.

"Nope."

"Could go back to his place," Ryozo suggested. Shinji nodded and grabbed his jacket and apartment key and headed out the door.


	12. Behind Scarlet Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You have already seen this chapter, as it was it accidentally put in at chapter 11. The real chapter 11 is now up (where it belongs) and this is chapter 12. Sorry for any confusion caused.

Desperate, broken sobs wracked Kaworu's body. His face was buried into his hands, sharp sand stabbed his forehead as he lay crumbled on the seashore. It was a mistake to have come back here, he had been an idiot to think that he could make his way back into Shinji's heart. He bitterly thought of how human's all too frequently were led by their minds, overthinking situations to the point of ruining them. Shinji was no exception. Angels were emotional creatures, born of pure love, their hearts dictating their every move. Kaworu's entire body ached with how quickly Shinji pushed him away.

His eyes burned as he looked up finally, looking out into the endless horizon. Tears continued to stream down his face and he calmed himself slowly, but nothing could take away the pain Shinji had caused him except time. His entire reason for becoming useless, meaningless human was a man who seemed damaged beyond repair by a broken childhood. Shinji would never know what Kaworu had done and that for the sole reason for his returning Earth was to touch him, to feel him, to love him. Kaworu didn't require gratitude or recognition for his choice. He just wanted to know he had done the right thing. Kaworu continued to stare out into the ocean and slowly pulled his clothes off. He waded out slowly into the water, the surf brushing gently against his ankles and finally the cool water rested at his waist. The ocean moved soothingly against him, though he shivered against cold.

"You are good to me Father. Even now, I can take comfort in your soft embrace of the ocean. I'm sorry, Father. I'm sorry for defying you," Kaworu lowered his face in prayer as more tears came from his eyes. "I think I made a mistake. I only wish I could return to the warmth and safety of your home Father. Even as a prisoner, I never hurt as badly as this. Help me Father, please," Kaworu whispered aloud, his voice quivering in both reverence for his Father and the harsh tears he had cried.

He inhaled deeply, wiping the tears desperately from his eyes. He couldn't cry anymore. Regardless of what had happened or how Shinji felt, he was still forced to live a lifetime as a human here on Earth. The entire time he had spent here had been dedicated to finding and being with Shinji. Kaworu realized that he had done nothing for his own benefit, except to merely keep himself alive. He deserved more of an existence than endless pining. He steeled himself and looked resolutely up to the heavens.

"Father, I refused to live under your will . . . and I refuse to live under Shinji's!" He shouted to the skies and a sense of inner strength empowered Kaworu.

He had been Tabris, the angel of free will. He needed no one but himself. If Shinji wished to be a part of his life, than so be it, but no longer would Kaworu fight to win the man's heart. He pushed his shoulders back and stood strong, still waist deep in the water that had birthed him and that now gave birth to him again, this time as an independent human man, who did not need a single soul, except himself.

Shinji ran back to Kaworu's apartment. His heart was pounding when he stood at the door.

"Kaworu, it's me! Let me in, please, I'm sorry," Shinji shouted and when he realized the other man wasn't home, he shoved his hands roughly though his brown hair and gripped it, racking his brain.

The ocean . . .

Shinji was off running again, though for once he wasn't running from his problems, but running straight towards them. This terrified him, but he continued.

He made it to the seashore, bending over, his hands on his knees as he panted to catch his breath. He looked up into the water and saw a vision of an angel. Not the kind he had fought, but the ones from heaven he heard stories about. Beautiful celestial beings that were the original children of God. The setting sun cast a soft glow around the angel's head and Shinji swore he saw snow-white wings. He stood in shock, completely mesmerized by the perfect creature in the water. 

He blinked a few times and his vision cleared. His exquisite angel was in fact Kaworu, standing waist deep in the water. Shinji took off again, running into the water, causing the other man to turn around sharply, scarlet eyes wide in surprise.

"Shinji! What are you doing here?" Kaworu asked, confused.

"I've come to see you," Shinji explained, still gasping to catch his breath.

"I'm nothing more than a stranger to you." Red eyes went cold suddenly as the surprise faded and his new resolution rang clear in his mind.

". . . . . " Shinji couldn't form the words and stood dumbly in front of the pale man, who seemed to have lost all patience with him.

Kaworu brushed past Shinji and strode out of the water, pulling his clothes back on over his wet body. He began to walk off in the other direction. Shinji followed him, slowed by his now sodden clothes.

"I'm sorry. I want to be with you, I want to try," Shinji said, holding his trousers up with one hand as the water had weighed them down.

"Then I shall return the favor you gave me earlier," Kaworu turned without another word and walked in the other direction.

Shinji stood in the sand, shocked. Kaworu had so far been nothing but extremely kind and warm to him. Kaworu had pleaded with him to stay this morning. Shinji let out a shout of frustration as he watched the retreating form. He paced for a minute and then decided to just go home. Today was not going to be the day he was going to make any amends with Kaworu Nagisa. Ryozo had been right and he decided it best to give the other man his space.

"Ryozo, are you home?" Shinji asked when he got back to the apartment.

Ryozo peeked his head out of the bathroom, wearing rubber gloves and holding a bottle of cleaner. He looked his roommate over and arched an eyebrow. "What the hell happened to you?"

"I found Kaworu," Shinji explained.

"Was he hiding in the ocean or somethin'?"

"Well, yeah, actually. He was," he said.

"Ah. How'd it go?"

"He walked away from me," Shinji looked down, the rejection stinging at him.

A smirk spread across Ryozo's lips. "Good man. How'd it feel to watch his back, like he watched yours this morning?"

"I'm not in the mood for an irony lesson," Shinji snapped.

Ryozo shrugged and went back into the bathroom to continue cleaning. Shinji stood in the door way, watching him. 

"Something else on your mind?" Ryozo glanced at him.

"Yeah. How do I get him back?"

"Why do you want him back?"

Shinji was quite as he thought over an answer for this. He sat on the toilet and watched as Ryozo leaned over their bath, scrubbing away at the tile. It was interesting Ryozo didn't even seem to care that the person Shinji was trying to be with was a man . . . hadn't even mentioned it. 

"You don't even care that Kaworu is a man?" Shinji asked, tilting his head.

"What does that have to do with anything?" he looked up from the tub.

"I was just thinking and I remembered you hadn't said anything about it," Shinji shrugged.

"You don't say anything about the people I date. . . didn't seem relevant." Ryozo said and brushed stray hair out of black eyes with the back of his hand. "Now, answer my first question, why do you want him back?"

"I honestly don't know . . .he liked me, that is nice."

"Shinji."

"I don't know why I want him back! I liked being around him, it felt so natural and good to be with him," Shinji attempted an explanation.

"Good enough. Have you apologized yet?"

"I tried, probably wasn't the best time though."

"Hmm. Well, you could maybe ask him out, try to show that you're intersted," Ryozo shrugged.

"But, what if he says no?" Shinji asked, fear creeping into his voice.

"Than he says no and you try again later or you move on with your life."

"I don't want to bother him all the time," Shinji examined the toe of his damp shoe.

"Ugh, he clearly likes you plenty. You just hurt him, he needs to know what you want, ya know? Give him some time" the journalist rubbed his forehead and sighed. Ryozo stood and took the gloves off, tossing them in the trash.

"But what if he . . "

"Shut up, Shinji."

Shinji's mouth gaped open.

"Stop worrying about it. If you want him as badly as you think you do, then none of that is going to matter. You're going to do everything you can to win him back, right? If he tells ya no a couple times, try harder," Ryozo said and walked out of the bathroom.

Shinji followed quietly, nodding. This is why he avoided relationships in the first place, they were so fucking complicated. He was scared to death to speak to Kaworu after what happened at the seashore. Running to meet up with him had sucked up his quota of bravery and he wasn't sure if he was prepared to try and persue this. Ryozo made it sound so easy, but his stomach twisted into knots at even the thought of contacting Kaworu again. 

Shinji could feel his blood pressure rise as he thought about running into the other man around town. He had created a huge mess and it was much easier to just ignore that Kaworu existed and go back this easy, albeit lonely life.

Every since that man had stepped into his bar, Shinji's world had been flipped upside down. He was scared, nervous, anxious about the whole damn thing and wanted to will the whole situation away. He resolved to let it rest for a few days, letting himself gain the confidence and the will to try and fix this again . . . and pray desperately for the easy path.


	13. Goodbye to You

Kaworu sat on the floor of his apartment, magazines, books and newspapers strewn around him. He had an open notebook on his lap, with his name written and underlined at the top. Beneath that, he had written "Interests" followed by a single bullet point: "Shinji Ikari". He chewed his cheek thoughtfully and sighed.

He hadn't expected Shinji to find him at the beach and if he were honest with himself, he was impressed. He knew how much that must have taken out of Shinji, but in that moment, he was too furious to forgive. He had dreamed of reuniting with Shinji for a decade and after that evening of intimacy, it cut him deeply when Shinji walked away. There was a strong desire within him to push the hurt aside, run back to Shinji and continue as he had done before.

But the realization he had at the beach stayed with him and when he asked himself the question "who am I?", he couldn't honestly say. His existence had been defined by Shinji and he had lost sight of himself. He was eking out a meagre existence as a cashier, living off instant noodles and didn't have a single hobby. And that needed to change. Shinji was right, he didn't know who he was . . . and neither did Kaworu. Shinji would have to wait until Kaworu could answer that question for himself.

So he was determined to work it out. There was no single handbook on how to be a human and those around him had the advantage of decades of lived experience to gradually discover these things. Kaworu had some catching up to do. He flicked through the magazines and newspapers, trying to ascertain what men his age did . . . what even was his age? He paused for a moment, this was going to be more difficult than he expected.

He began to make a concentrated effort to better engage with customers and his co-workers and began asking what their plans were and what they were going to make with their purchases. His manager came over to him after a particularly positive interaction.

"Nagisa-san, good work, you seem to be getting the hang of this!"

"Thank you, sir." Kaworu bowed his head in respect, a smile growing on his face.

"We're all going out to karaoke after work, if you'd like to join us?"

Kaworu's heart leapt, he had never received an invite to join his colleagues on a night out.

"Yes, please, that would be wonderful, I'd love to," Kaworu gushed. He began to ask what exactly karaoke was, but thought better of it.

When the shop was closed, everyone on shift began to make their way to the karaoke bar. Kaworu hung to the back, just watching, studying. The group seemed to talk as a unit, some small side conversations would quickly rejoin the main topic and it flowed effortlessly. He was happy to watch and smiled.

"I don't think I've seen you out with us before, Nagisa-san."

It took a moment for Kaworu to recognize the sound of his own name. "Oh! Yes Tanaka-san, this is the first time I've been invited. I'm very excited."

"You'll have fun, have you ever been?" Souta Tanaka asked.

"No. I'm still new to this place. I haven't really met very many friends," Kaworu looked down, a bit ashamed.

"I'll keep you right, stick with me. And call me Souta," he offered his hand and Kaworu took it, shaking. "So where are you from then?" Souta asked.

Kaworu mind froze up. He didn't have a good answer for that and his mouth gaped for a minute as he scrambled to think of something. "Umm, I'm . . I'm from up North," was the best thing he could come up with. He made a note that a background story may be worth creating. "And Kaworu is fine."

The group settled into a small booth with a tv screen and a large book of songs and their manager came joined them with a tray full of drinks. A glass full of an amber liquid was placed in front of Kaworu and he considered it for a moment. He was familiar enough with cola, but this he had never seen before. He watched everyone raise their glass and tap the rims together, he followed a beat behind and took a drink, his face screwing up instantly. It was fizzy like a cola, but had a distinctly more bitter taste.

"What is that?" he whispered to Souta. The other man laughed and when he realised Kaworu looked quite serious and wasn't joking. "It's beer Kaworu, surely you've had beer."

Kaworu blinked and shook his head. "Sheltered childhood," he mumbled.

Before long, his co-workers were warbling their way through pop songs and he found himself growing used to the taste of the beer, rather enjoying the warm feeling beginning to settle in his stomach.

"Your turn Nagisa, pick a song!" A girl who's name he forgot pushed the book into his hand. He scanned it, nothing really recognizable. He picked the a song out of the middle of the page and took the microphone, laughing nervously as the music started. He followed the lyrics on the screen as closely as he could and he didn't think he was doing very well, but his co-workers cheered him on and when it finished, he sat down with bright red cheeks.

"That's harder than it looks!" He said to Souta, drinking gratefully on his beer.

"It's all for a laugh, you did well!"

As the evening wore on, Kaworu was feeling very relaxed and he never saw the bottom of his glass. He was considerably more giggly then he could ever remember. His head was swimming, but his heart felt full, to be surrounded by people and having fun lifted him considerably. The hours wore on easily and while he had become quite unsteady on his feet and his thoughts weren't forming as coherently as he was used to, for the first time in his existence, he felt accepted, part of a group.

"This has been fantastic!" He grinned to Souta as he said his goodbyes as everyone began to make their way home.

"It has! What's your number Kaworu, I'll give you a call tomorrow," Souta asked. Kaworu plunged his hand into his pocket, digging for his mobile phone.

"I don't know," he whispered. "But this thing does." He pushed the phone into Souta's hand and giggled. Souta laughed and pulled Kaworu's number off his phone and entered his own in.

Kaworu turned towards the direction he thought was his apartment was in and began to sway down the road.

When Kaworu woke up the next morning, he was sure of two things: he had been poisoned and he was dying.

His peeled his eyes open slowly, squinting against the particularly harsh light of what he thought was early morning, but was actually mid-afternoon. His head was pounding and his mouth was dry, his tongue stuck uncomfortably to the roof of his mouth. He groaned and looked around him. He was wearing the same clothes he had on yesterday, including his shoes and he hadn't quite made it to his bed, having slept instead on the sofa, which accounted for the stiffness in his neck.

"What happened to me. . . who would do this to me?" He felt miserable and was working desperately to work through last night, even the details of that were hazy. His stomach began to churn and he ran to be sick. He sat miserably on the floor and remembered that Souta had taken his phone. He reached into his pocket and pulled it out, noticing a message waiting for his attention

**Souta: Hey Kaworu, hope you got home okay last night. Was great chatting to you, give me a call when you get this.**

The message had a picture attached, which was him and Souta grinning madly at the camera, the rest of his co-workers behind him.

He tapped uselessly at the phone, trying to get it to ring Souta, hoping he would be able to help Kaworu and get him to hospital. He hadn't used the phone much and he nearly threw it across the room in frustration when it finally began to ring.

"Hello, Tanaka speaking," came the voice over the line.

"Souta! It's Kaworu. I'm not well, I think I need to see a doctor," Kaworu pleaded into the phone, the pounding behind his eyes forcing him to close his eyes and caused his stomach to lurch again.

Souta couldn't help the laughter that bubbled out of him.

"This isn't funny Souta, someone has poisoned me and i'm very ill, please help me!" Kaworu felt tears spring into his eyes.

"No one has poisoned you Kaworu, you're hungover!"

"I don't know what that means," Kaworu whimpered pitifully.

"You really weren't joking about not knowing what a beer was . . . you were drinking them like you did! Give me an hour and I'll come over. Send me your address and in the meanwhile, drink some water!" Souta chuckled.

Souta arrived with provisions in hand, handing Kaworu two white tablets and a bottle of cola. "Here, that'll get you back on the path of righteousness."

"Thank you," Kaworu said, looking down, feeling very foolish.

"So I take it you've never been drunk before?"

Kaworu shook his head.

"First time for everything! And don't worry, this will pass, you'll feel better soon."

"Was it the beer that caused this?" Kaworu didn't really want to ask, but needed to know.

"Yup, alcohol will do that to you," Souta shook his head, trying to work out this most unusual young man, must have been a very sheltered childhood.

"Thank you for coming, it worried me, feeling this awful."

"Any time. You're a nice guy. I was glad to see you come out last night and let your hair down. And if you're ever just wanting to hang out, let me know. I moved here a couple years ago, I remember how hard it is to settle in a big place like this on your own."

"I'd like that," Kaworu managed to smile.


	14. Lost At Sea

Deadline day again. Ryozo sat staring at the typed words on his computer screen, his eyes sore and damp with exhaustion. He was never quite sure why he always left it until last minute to get his articles written, but that was the way it went. He felt like he worked throughout the week, but apparently not enough. He worked well under pressure and knowing that he had to get the article written always gave him that extra kick in the ass to buckle down and wrap things up.. He leaned back in his chair, taking a sip of his long-cooled coffee. Arching his back, he stole a look at the clock . . .already 4 am, time flies when you're having fun. He sighed and pushed a hand through his dirty hair. He couldn't sit a moment longer and got out of his chair and walked into the darkened living room.

No light was in the room, save for the orange glow of a cigarette. Smoke filled the air and he arched an eyebrow.

"Since when do you smoke?"

Shinji was sitting on the couch, staring out into the dark room, clearly lost in thought. Shinji looked up, a bit surprised to see his roommate.

"Oh. . . um I guess I just started," Shinji held the cigarette awkwardly in his hands. He had honestly started shortly after the Kaworu ordeal. It helped him concentrate, the meditative process of controlled breathing relaxed him. And it gave him something to do with his hands, made him feel somewhat productive as he sat alone.

"Ah. Maybe do that outside pal, if you must," Ryozo sat next to him and pulled his legs up to his chest.

Shinji put the cigarette out and sighed.

"Still thinking about him, aren't you?" Ryozo asked.

"Yeah. I can't stop. . . " Shinji turned to face Ryozo.

It had been months since he had even seen Kaworu. He had tried a couple times to catch Kaworu at work, but it never seemed to work. He had thought about running to his apartment, but found he couldn't, his legs would buckle and he managed to find something else to distract him from the idea. It wasn't that he didn't want to meet up with Kaworu again. But he just couldn't, typical coward that he was. So he went about his everyday life, taking each day at a time, pushing the issue further and further back in his mind. But then there was these nights, where a strange feeling took over his stomach and he felt unsettled. Jittery, uncomfortable and nervous. So he sat out on the couch, smoking late into the night, sipping at a glass of whiskey, trying to calm himself, trying to make sense of everything, but mostly to make the feeling go away. But it refused to shift. It drove him mad, he just wanted to feel normal again, go back to the way he was before.

Ryozo was quiet, sitting silently next to him as Shinji, now without the cigarette to still his hands, wrung his hands anxiously. He sighed and reached out, placing his hand on Shinji's to stop the wringing.

Surprisingly, Shinji didn't pull away.

"Have you even called him?" Ryozo asked quietly.

Shinji shook his head. "I can't, no number, remember? . . . I've thought about going over to his apartment, but . . . " Shinji let out a shaking breath.

Ryozo frowned and pulled his roommate into his arms. Since the time at the seashore, Shinji had lost weight and hardly slept. He hid it poorly, blaming his stress on work, but Ryozo knew better; Shinji's job wasn't remotely stressful.

Shinji felt warm in Ryozo's unexpected embrace. He wrapped his arms around the other man, just needing human contact. Neither man spoke, darkness and stale smoke around them. Shinji's eyes widened when Ryozo's lips were suddenly against his, but he didn't pull back. This was safe, comforting, and better than being alone. His lips yielded slowly against Ryozo's..

He wasn't sure what compelled him to do it, but it felt right in the moment. Ryozo ran his tongue slowly against Shinji's tobacco-tainted lips , holding the thin man close. Shinji's tongue was reluctant to meet his, but did slowly, tongues dancing awkwardly and slowly.

Shinji let out a quiet moan as he lost himself. Ryozo pulled back after a few moments, looking at him. He swallowed hard.

"I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that," Ryozo said quietly.

Shinji just looked at him, lips moist and swollen from the kiss. He blinked, eyes wide and innocent. Ryozo smiled and tenderly touched his cheek. "I know it's not me you want, but, I'm here."

He nodded and pulled Ryozo into another kiss. This was something to fill the hole, cover it up for a while. Shinji pulled back again when tears began to roll down his cheeks. He buried his face in Ryozo's shoulder, quiet sobs wracking his body. Ryozo could only sigh, rubbing his back.

"When did everything get so fucked up?" Shinji whimpered.

"I dunno, kid," Ryozo tried to comfort him the best he could.

"I just don't want it to hurt anymore!" Shinji pulled his body into itself, trying to make himself as small as possible.

There was nothing Ryozo could say. He sat quietly by him for a few minutes before getting back up and disappearing into his room again, himself also quite confused. He stared back at his laptop, the cursor blinking, waiting for him to do something. He could still taste Shinji on his lips. He wish he knew why he had kissed him. He cared for Shinji, loved him even. They were like brothers. But he wasn't in love with Shinji. Shinji was lost and confused as it was, Ryozo had only complicated matters, he was really only wanting to help.

Before Kaworu had breezed into their lives, everything was peaceful and regular. Now even Ryozo wasn't sure what to expect or how to handle the situation. He found he was no longer cool-headed and easy-going all the time. Shinji's depression had brought him down as well, a dark cloud hovering over the flat and his work had suffered because of it. He just stared at the computer a moment longer before saving the document and closing the laptop. He crawled into his bed, exhausted and his head spinning and he slipped into a restless sleep.

When he woke, he found Shinji asleep on the couch without even so much of a blanket. Ryozo disappeared into Shinji's room and brought out his duvet, wrapping it around him. He watched Shinji sleep for a few minutes before putting breakfast on. This morning was going to be awkward, that much he was certain of. So for now, he just wanted to enjoy his breakfast and morning coffee while Shinji slept.

As he sipped his coffee, Shinji began to stir and woke up. He rubbed his eyes, standing up off the couch and stretching with a loud yawn. He padded his way into the kitchen where Ryozo had left a plate of eggs and toast out for him. Shinji silently took the plate and sat on the other end of the table, eating without a word.

Ryozo glanced up at him occasionally, but neither spoke. After they were finished with their breakfast, they both disappeared to their bedrooms. Ryozo growled in frustration as he sat back at his desk. This isn't what he had wanted, awkward silence and feeling like he had upset his best friend. He grumbled as he sat in front of the computer and quickly finished his article, sending it off to his editor along with a note saying he was feeling ill that day. He needed to collect his thoughts and to clear the air with Shinji. After he sent the email off, he went to Shinji's room and knocked on the door. When he didn't get a reply, he opened the door anyway.

"What the hell?" Shinji was on his bed.

"Get up," Ryozo said.

"Why?"

"Because we're not going to sit here and act like nothing happened last night!"

"Why not? I don't know what happened last night, but we were both tired.. It didn't mean anything," Shinji rolled over, pulling his blanket over his head.

"Bull shit!" Ryozo yanked the blanket off Shinji.

"Get the hell away from me! I don't know what the hell you're thinking but bugger off and leave me alone," Shinji snarled.

"Why is it when someone shows you an ounce of affection, you turn tail and run!"

"We're not having this conversation."

"No, I think it's time we did. It didn't matter that Kaworu was a stranger, did it? You're just so damn scared of rejection that you'd rather do it yourself. You did it to him and I'll be damned if you do it to me."

"Look Ryozo. You don't care for me that way and you know it! I don't know what you were thinking or what I was thinking for that matter. . . but it's better if we just went about like it didn't happen," Shinji grabbed his blanket back from Ryozo.

Ryozo glared at him, then grabbed his wrist.

"Let me go, Ryozo."

Ryozo let his hand drop. He glared at him.

"You're such a coward, Shinji," Ryozo turned and slammed the door behind him.

Shinji ran after him into the hallway.

"What is your problem!" Shinji stormed after him.

"You are!"

"Why?"

"Shinji, I care for you damn it. And yes, I shouldn't have kissed you, but you're my best friend. It's driving me crazy seeing you mope about and letting yourself waste away. I hate seeing you hurt so much and there's nothing I can do about it," Ryozo shouted, his heart pounding.

". . . ."

"Yeah, that's what you're best at, saying nothing. Look, forget it," Ryozo turned and went to go back to his room.

"What am I supposed to say to that?" Shinji was the one to grab Ryozo's wrist this time.

"I really don't know Shinji," Ryozo's voice was cold.

"You're going to shut me out like he did," Shinji was quiet with this realization.

"Maybe because you shut us out first," Ryozo stared at him.

"I don't know what to do," Shinji looked at him, confused.

"Do what you always do. Run away and avoid getting yourself hurt with no regard as to what it does to others," Ryozo pulled his hand back.

"I didn't know you felt that way," Shinji crossed his arms in front of him.

Ryozo just sighed and turned to retreat into this room, this was all too much.

Shinji only stood there for a moment before following Ryozo into his room. He hadn't spoken to Kaworu in months and he wasn't even sure why he was clinging on so hard to him. As he crossed into Ryozo's room, he wasn't following his heart, but was going with what he thought was the next best option. He would never be with Kaworu, best to make do with what was before him.

They looked at each other for a few minutes, neither one sure what to do. It was Ryozo who pulled Shinji into a rough hug. Shinji was stiff in his arms, but wrapped his arms around him awkwardly.

"You're a bastard, you know that," Ryozo said quietly. Shinji just nodded.


	15. Only a Matter of Time

Kaworu jumped and tossed his book aside when his phone began ringing in his pocket. He composed himself and dug his phone out of the pocket of his jeans and answered.

"Hey Kaworu! Interested in getting some lunch with me?" came the voice on the other line. It was Souta.

"Yeah, actually. That would be great," Kaworu said as his stomach growled. "Let me get changed, I'll swing by your place."

"Perfect! I know a place I've been wanting to try."

Kaworu hung up the phone and slipped on a sweater and his knitted cap, it was late autumn and the weather was getting colder quicker than he could buy clothes to bundle up in. He slipped his wallet into his back pocket and with a casual glance in the mirror, he was on his way.

Souta was already waiting outside of his apartment when Kaworu turned on to his street. Souta greeted him with a grin.

"A friend of mine keeps telling me this place is pretty good for the money. And we both know that damn market doesn't pay enough," Souta chuckled and started walking towards the restaurant.

"I know! When they hired me, they said something about a review after three months to consider a raise. Nothing many moons later!" Kaworu laughed. His pay wasn't great and he rather hated the job, but people like Souta made it worth while.

They talked about work, general complaints and gossip dominated the conversation and Kaworu didn't even notice where he was when they walked through the door and were seated at the bar. It was fairly slow, so the bartender came up to take their orders and Kaworu couldn't help the jump in his stomach when he saw who would be waiting on them.

Shinji stared in shock as Kaworu walked into his restaurant. it jarred him to see Kaworu there, but he brushed it aside for the time being for the sake of professionalism.

"Good afternoon gentlemen. What can I get for you?" Shinji asked, his voice neutral, but polite.

Kaworu couldn't help but stare for a moment, but then shook it off and looked up at Shinji. He struggled to find his words and Shinji seemed to be making an effort to avoid an awkward situation.

"Just a coke for me please."

"Me too," Souta seconded and glanced back at the menu.

Shinji quickly poured the drinks and set them in front of the two men with an amicable smile.

"Just let me know if you need anything at all. I'll take your food orders whenever you're ready," Shinji turned back to his cleaning behind the bar, his heart pounding uncontrollably.

Kaworu returned to his conversation with Souta, his eyes glancing every once in a while at Shinji. Shinji was cleaning a hole into the counter, trying desperately to get rid of an invisible stain. He felt a bit bad for Shinji, he knew his being here was throwing Shinji's world off its axis. He grinned a bit to himself, it was good for Shinji to be knocked out of his element.

After looking at the menu for a few moments, Kaworu caught Shinji's attention and ordered his food. Shinji then disappeared, presumably to send the order to the kitchen, but Kaworu noticed he took a longer time than usual to return to his post at the bar.

Shinji watched Kaworu from the corner of his eye, it was killing him. Kaworu seemed so . . . . happy, it wasn't fair. Kaworu had moved on, he could tell by the easy way he smiled to his friend, the casual manner in which he acknowledged Shinji. How could Kaworu make it look so damn easy?!

Shinji continued to refill their drinks and delivered their food, a million words nearly tumbling out of his mouth every time Kaworu looked his way. He bit his tongue hard.

Kaworu and Souta sat and talked for a good half hour after they finished their food, Shinji catching bits and pieces of conversation. There was a whole new world that Kaworu was involved in and Shinji didn't play a single role in it. Shinji usually enjoyed his casual eavesdropping on his customers, enjoying the momentary involvement in strangers' everyday lives. But listening to Kaworu talk about people and situations he had no clue about was oddly painful. When he had met Kaworu, he was the only person Kaworu knew and wanted to be with. But now, he was surely a vague memory in Kaworu's mind, meanwhile Kaworu occupied his thoughts and daydreams daily.

Shinji watched as Kaworu's friend stood up and left his half of the bill on the counter.

"Well, if you want to hang out here for a while, you have a good time. I gotta get going to work," Souta said.

"See you later then," Kaworu smiled and wove good bye to his friend, taking a drink of his soda.

After his friend left, Kaworu got up and sat the bar in front of Shinji.

"How are you doing?" Kaworu said easily, a polite smile on his face.

What a loaded question, Shinji thought.

"I'm good. Not up to much, just . . . working," Shinji replied and found his fingers searching for his cleaning cloth to occupy his shaking hands.

Kaworu laughed, "I'm with you there, I feel that's all I do these days."

"Hey, so long as the bills are paid, right?" Shinji said with a forced laugh.

They were quite for a few minutes, Shinji tending to his invisible stain, Kaworu nursing his drink. Words were hanging on Shinji's tongue and he was dying to say them. He battled with his mind, which was telling him to shut up and just do his job. But his tongue won the battle and when he opened his mouth again, the words came spilling out.

"Kaworu . . . we ended on some really bad terms. Maybe, we can get together sometime and clear the air?" Shinji shrugged with the statement, trying to hide the fact that those "bad terms" had been eating him alive.

Kaworu took a sip of his soda and chewed it thoughtfully for a moment.

"Sure. Yeah, that may be nice, actually," Kaworu said.

Shinji's heart was pounding audibly.

"Uh, great. Well. .. um, if you want to just call me sometime, here's my number" Shinji scribbled his number down on a scrap piece of receipt paper.

Kaworu took the piece of paper and slipped it into his pocket without even glancing at it.

"I will. It was good seeing you, Shinji."

With that, Kaworu stood up and left his money on the counter and strolled out the door, looking not the slightest bit affected by their interaction.

Shinji had the sudden need for a cigarette break.

Predictably, Ryozo was working on his laptop when Shinji came through the door after work. Shinji had managed to get control of his emotions after Kaworu had left, but now in the safety and comfort of his own home, he felt the need to vent it out.

"Hey, did you get my message from earlier?" Shinji asked Ryozo.

"Yeah, I did. Sorry, I was busy when you called," Ryozo saved his document automatically and set the computer aside.

"It's okay, I was actually still at work, I didn't have long to talk anyway," Shinji sad next to his roommate.

"So what happened? You sounded kind of frantic when you called."

"I saw Kaworu today . . . he came into the bar today."

Ryozo's eyes widened a little bit and thought on this for a moment.

"I bet that was awkward," Ryozo said with a raised eyebrow.

"It was. For me anyway, he was a cool as you'd like."

"Well, how long has it been? You can't expect everyone to dwell on things they way you do," Ryozo tucked his legs under his body and turned to see Shinji better.

Shinji was quiet.

"I just want him to miss me," Shinji said sheepishly.

"I bet he does," Ryozo smiled and patted his shoulder reassuringly.

"Ryozo?" Shinji's voice was quiet, scared.

"Hm?"

"Why did you kiss me?"

Ryozo was a bit taken back, it had been ages since that had happened. They had tacitly agreed to not speak about it after the fight it had caused and had pressed on deliberately to get back to some semblance of normal. He was a little surprised that Shinji was bringing it back up.

"Lots of reasons I guess. I do care about you, you were just . . . hurting so badly that it was the only thing I could think to do," Ryozo tried to explain his actions.

"Would you ever want to date me?" Shinji was barely audible.

A warm smile crept over Ryozo's face.

"No."

Shinji looked as though he had been struck.

"I told you then. We're best friends, brothers even. What happened that night, happened. I don't regret it for a second, but you and I just wouldn't work," Ryozo said and squeezed Shinji's hand reassuringly. "Doesn't mean I don't like ya or that I'm going anywhere though."

Shinji smiled at this and wondered what he had done to deserve a friend like Ryozo.

"I did give him my phone number," Shinji said, returning the conversation back to the original topic.

"That's impressive. Maybe you'll get out of this apartment and do something with yourself, rather than sit around here, moping, dreaming of what could have been."

"How's that any different than what you do every day," a playful grin on Shinji's face.

"I don't mope, that's what's different," Ryozo laughed.

"I am sick of hurting. You should have seen him Ryozo, he was so . . . carefree. He looked really happy."

"I know you are kid. This is a good thing though, you've got your second chance," Ryozo patted his shoulder.

Shinji looked at him gratefully, then flipped on the television, losing himself in his thoughts.


	16. Because of You

Kaworu had convinced himself that he was over the whole Shinji situation. Hell, he had hardly even thought of the other man in months. . . . well, that wasn't entirely true, maybe he had thought of him a little. . . . or a lot.

The truth was, thoughts of Shinji always lingered in the back of his mind. Kaworu loved him, was in love with him, and no declaration of independence was going to change this, despite his best efforts otherwise. The mind can try and forget, but the heart is trickier to deceive.

The scrap of paper that contained Shinji's number had near been worn to ripping. Since Kaworu had stuck it in his back pocket, he was regularly fingering the already thin piece of paper. Shinji, in his own way, acknowledged that he had screwed up and now this one slip of paper was his attempt to apologize, or at least try again.

Kaworu pulled his phone out and punched in the digits and stared at them, blinking at him, waiting for him to press the "send" button, and just call him.

When he first arrived on Earth again, he wanted to do this right, take his time getting back together with Shinji. But things has been rushed. Shinji in many ways was still the same fourteen year old boy that he had been when Kaworu had first met him. He needed to be eased into relationships, both friendship and otherwise and that wasn't what had happened. Something deeper had brought them together that night, but in the harsh light of morning, Shinji had retreated. Kaworu should have known better.

His thumb tapped the "send" button before Kaworu could stop him self, and he instinctively pressed his ear to the phone and listened to the ringing.

He toyed with a piece of his hair nervously when Shinji didn't pick up. He chewed his lip and held his breath, waiting for Shinji to pick up.

"Hello?" The voice came suddenly and Kaworu was silent for a minute, not reacting as quickly as he should have.

"Hello?!" The voice came again, more irritated this time.

"Shinji?" Kaworu finally said.

"Speaking, who is this?"

"It's Kaworu."

There was silence on the line for the minute,

"Hey, it's good to hear from you. I really didn't expect you to call," Shinji said, the surprise evident in his voice.

"Yeah . . .um. . . how are you doing?" Kaworu began pacing around his apartment, absently playing with whatever he could get his hands on.

"I'm doing good, just got off of work. Not a whole lot going on," Shinji laid back on his bed, having got up to get the phone. "You?"

"Um, not bad. I'm off today."

"Oh good."

Silence.

"Anything I can do for you, Kaworu?" Shinji asked, trying to stop his voice from shaking.

"I'd like to see you again, ya know. . . clear the air?"

"I'd like that," was all Shinji could say.

"Let me take you out to dinner tonight," Kaworu offered.

Shinji nodded, then remembered he needed to answer verbally.

"Okay."

They agreed to meet later that night.

Kaworu was caught between smiling and crying. This was what he had wanted, wasn't it? The only reason he was on Earth at all was because of the man he had just spoken to. And Shinji was the one to offer the olive branch, Kaworu could only imagine how much effort that had taken on Shinji's part.  
He set the phone back on the counter gently. There would be no rushing into things this time. His heart couldn't handle the set back, it may very well destroy him. Kaworu had worked hard to gain confidence and a life without Shinji involved. He would not allow this to be shattered.

He turned and caught him self in the mirror. He pushed his hands through his hair, causing it to stand up. He grinned and laid his hair back down and nodded, making a pact with himself: Shinji would not hurt him this time, because Kaworu wouldn't allow it.

With that, he walked into the bathroom to shower and get ready for his date later that evening.

Ryozo walked into the apartment with an armful of bags. He raised an eyebrow when he noticed his roommate staring at his cell phone.

"Does it do a dance for ya these days?" Ryozo asked, smirking.

Shinji was snapped out of his daze and he laughed.

"Oh, no. At least not yet," Shinji put his phone down and grabbed some of the bags from Ryozo's hands.

They began putting their groceries away, a practiced dance around the kitchen, bodies brushing naturally as they manoeuvred easily around each other.

"You're quiet today," Ryozo said as he placed the milk into the fridge, as Shinji was stretching to put instant ramen in the shelf behind Ryozo.

Shinji just shrugged. 'I'm just thinking. . . I got some good news."

"Oh yeah? Lay it one me," Ryozo turned, leaning against the now closed fridge, facing Shinji.

"Kaworu called me," Shinji likewise turned to look at Ryozo.

"Wow! That's awesome!" .

"Yeah, we're going out later tonight," Shinji explained.

Ryozo grinned and patted Shinji on the shoulder, "Maybe things are looking up, yeah?"

"Maybe so," Shinji just gave him a small smile and reached back into a bag.

Ryozo didn't press any further details. They would come when Shinji was ready. He just smiled and nodded to himself, it was about time things started to look up for Shinji, and just maybe, his roommate wouldn't screw it all up this time.

A few hours later, Shinji was adjusting his collar in the mirror and tugging nervously at his hair. He posed a few times in the mirror, smiling a hundred different ways, trying to decide which made him look most handsome.

He turned his chin a little bit and lifted it, grinning cockily . . . that look didn't work. He tilted his chin down a little and smiled sheepishly. . . no, that was horrible as well. He ruffled his hair, trying to make it look slightly post-coital. . . now that wasn't too bad. He gave a sultry smile to the mirror, lowering his eyelids just slightly, to see what it looked like . . . but he just looked ridiculous . . .

A wet towel thrown at his head caused him jump, disrupting his preening.

"Oh give it a rest will ya!" Ryozo had been silently standing in Shinji's door way for a few minutes. He had just gotten out of the shower and caught Shinji making faces at the mirror, and had paused to watch.

"Oi! What are you doing!?" Shinji's voice was a little breathless.

"You look fine as your self, don't try to put a mask on," Ryozo smiled at him.

"I wasn't planning on it, I was just . . . checking a few things out," Shinji looked down, rubbing his head with his hand.

"Ha! You look like a girl going on her first date. Relax dude, just . . .enjoy it," Ryozo said.

"It is my first date!" Shinji bent down to pick up the towel. "Please tell me this was the one on your head," Shinji held the offending item in his hand.

Ryozo gave a cheeky grin.

"Heh," was all he said before he turned around and walked to his own room, his bare ass sauntering away gave Shinji his answer.

"Oh you're gross," Shinji scrunched his nose up at the towel and tossed it into his own laundry basket.

"Get lost!" Ryozo poked his head out and shouted. "Don't you have a date or something!"

With that, Shinji gave a final glance towards the mirror, tweaked his collar and headed out the door without any further ado.


	17. Wasteland

Shinji had arrived entirely too early and found himself sat by himself at a table for two, nursing a beer to still his shaking nerves and staring at the empty seat in front of him. He toyed aimlessly with the napkin in his hand, folding and refolding into formless creatures. He didn't want Kaworu to arrive without him here, wanted to ensure he was starting this off again on the best possible foot. So focussed was he on his napkin origami that he didn't feel the presence standing behind him.

"Hello, Shinji," the voice said quietly, tearing Shinji away from his thoughts. He jerked his head around to see Kaworu standing behind him.

"Oh! Hello!" he pushed quickly and unsteady out his chair, bowing his head respectively.

"I'm sorry to have startled you," Kaworu said, nodding towards the ruined napkin.

"You didn't, I got here a bit early, didn't want you to wait," Shinji took a deep breath to steady himself and then cast his eyes across Kaworu. His silver hair was ruffled roguishly, wearing dark slim cut jeans and a perfectly snug blue cotton shirt, sleeves rolled up to the elbow. Those crimson eyes so striking, Shinji's heart stopped a beat. Shinji swallowed and looked away, trying not to stare. "You look great . . . please, have a seat," Shinji moved awkwardly to pull the chair across from his out, inviting Kaworu to sit.

"Thank you very much, you look wonderful as well," Kaworu smiled and took his seat, neatly unfolding his own napkin across his lap.

"What are you drinking?" Shinji asked, ever the attentive bar keep.

Kaworu eyed the beer Shinji was drinking and smiled as he recalled the first time he'd had a beer . . .and subsequently too many beers. He at least knew what to expect this time.

"I'll have what you're having," he said and watched as Shinji flagged down their waiter, who took the order and left.

Shinji busied himself with a menu, scanning his eyes across the page but struggling to take anything in, his stomach fluttering.

"Have you eaten here before?" Kaworu asked, mirroring Shinji and looking across the menu.

"I haven't, no. . . . a co-worker has mentioned it a couple times and said it was good. I'm not sure what I'm in the mood for," Shinji pulled his eyes away from the menu and chewed nervously on this lip.

"We could share this, if you're not feeling very hungry," Kaworu offered, reaching across to point at the dish that had caught his attention on Shinji's menu. Shinji swallowed.

"Uh yeah sure, let's do that, and we can pick more things as we go along."

"Sounds lovely."

Kaworu's beer was set in front of him and the waiter took their food order and when they found themselves alone again, they sat in silence, alternatively taking a drink and looking at each other, neither sure where to start.

Shinji steeled himself and spoke first.

"I just want to say . . . that I was horrible to you and I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve me pushing you away like that," the words tumbled out of his mouth and he looked down and stared at his hands.

Kaworu wasn't expecting an apology, having prepared himself to just try and move forward. Didn't mean it didn't make his heart lift hearing the words.

"Thank you, Shinji," he said and reached out to lay his hand on top of Shinji's.

"I, um . . ." Shinji started again. "No one who has ever been close to me has ever stuck around, well except for my roommate, but yeah. . . I push people away, because I'm afraid," Shinji's voice shook as he spoke. He had felt like a dam was beginning to break inside him and he wanted to frank and as honest with Kaworu as he could, it was likely the only chance he had to both explain himself.

"What are you afraid of?" Kaworu's voice was gentle and his hand squeezed Shinji's hand. The apology had been one thing, but Shinji's starting to open up was monumental.

Shinji quickly glanced up to Kaworu's face, finding those ruby eyes full of kindness and encouragement. He looked back down at their hands, softly joined and his voice caught in his throat. He felt incredibly vulnerable and exposed, wishing for a moment he hadn't started down this path.

"I'm afraid . . . to be alone, to be left alone. That I'll let someone in and they'll leave," Shinji was whisper-quiet, his face hot. "That no one will like me, let alone love me."

Kaworu wanted to leap across the table and wrap Shinji up in his arms, to hold him and tell him that he had loved him for the last decade and had been tortured by having been separated from him. That Shinji was his moon, his stars, his sky and there was no creature of this earth or heaven who would ever mean more to him.

"I'm sorry, this is all a bit much for a first date, I don't know why I'm burdening you with all this," Shinji caught himself, unable to bare the exposure of his soul any longer.

"It's okay Shinji, I am not going anywhere," Kaworu let a soft smile cross his lips and let his thumb ghost across Shinji's clenched hands.

Shinji drew his breath slowly, grateful that Kaworu didn't look as if he was ready to bolt and for the touch that closed the distance between them. He felt safe and cared for in that moment.

"I am sorry though, and all that isn't an excuse, but an explanation I guess," Shinji let out a sigh and felt a weight lift off his shoulders.

"I appreciate that Shinji. You did hurt me, when . . . well, you know. But it means a lot for you to talk to me about it and I think we can try again."

"I'd like that, thank you for being so understanding, Kaworu. Not sure what you see in me, but I'm glad," Shinji let a smile pull at the corners of his lips.

"I think you're cute, what more reason do I need?" Kaworu grinned at the bright pinkness that flushed Shinji's cheeks.

Their conversation shifted towards lighter fare as their meal arrived, chatting about work and current affairs. With the grey cloud lifted between them, the spoke easily and Kaworu laughed more than he had in a very long time.

"I'd like to walk you home," Shinji said after he had paid for their meal. His head felt light with good conversation and more beer then he'd usually let himself enjoy.

"Of course, that'd be lovely, thank you," Kaworu's eyes lit up.

They stood up and stepped out onto the street, the cool night air a welcome relief from the warm restaurant. In a moment of exceptional boldness, Shinji reached down to capture Kaworu's hand in his own, winding their fingers together and squeezing.

"I can't tell you how happy I am that you agreed to come out with me tonight," Shinji said as they neared Kaworu's apartment.

Kaworu's heart skipped in his chest. "I couldn't stop thinking about you," Kaworu said quietly.

Shinji paused and turned to face Kaworu directly. "Me neither . . . it was eating me alive if I'm honest. I was so unfair to you and too much of a coward to do anything about it and I'm sorry. But you've been on my mind every day. . . ."

Kaworu stared into Shinji's blue eyes. He swallowed hard, unable to prevent the tears that sprang into the corners of his eyes. He reached up and wiped furiously away at his eyes.

Shinji let his arms wrap around Kaworu's thin frame and pulled him in close. His heart was pounding in his ears and his hand reached up to brush and gently cup Kaworu's chin, "Don't cry, I didn't mean to upset you," his voice was low and cautious.

"You haven't upset me," Kaworu let out a laugh through the tears. He leaned into Shinji's touch.

Shinji moved forward to close the space between them, pressing his lips against Kaworu's in a soft, searching kiss. After a long moment, the separated slowly.

"I want to invite you upstairs," Kaworu said breathlessly, but all too aware of pushing Shinji too far too fast.

Shinji smiled and pushed away a lock of silver strands off Kaworu's forehead, letting his fingers slide back and wind into Kaworu's hair.

"Thanks, but maybe better not. I don't want to rush this," Shinji's chest tightened as he said it. He wanted to follow Kaworu up to his apartment, melt into his arms, explore his body, kiss him until dawn.

Kaworu looked down at the ground, disappointed, but he knew Shinji was right, best not to make the same mistake twice. "Call me tomorrow then," he said.

Shinji pulled him into another kiss, deeper this time, his tongue swiping across Kaworu's lips, which parted willingly for him. "I will."


	18. Wonderwall

Shinji watched Kaworu disappear into his apartment, his lips still prickled with heat and electricity. He ran his tongue across his own lips, recapturing the taste and smell of Kaworu on his skin. He looked behind him towards his own walk home and back again up at the light that illuminated in Kaworu's window. His mind kept playing over the kiss they had parted with, Kaworu had melted into it in an instant, his mouth soft and yielding, raising to meet Shinji's urgency.

 _You can always phone him tomorrow, he's not going anywhere,_ Shinji thought to himself.

_Remember what happened when you rushed into his arms last time . . . . but it's different now. I'm different. I'm not going anywhere._

_________

Kaworu untucked his shirt from his trousers and flopped onto his sofa, his head light from the date. Everything had gone so well. Shinji was . . .well growing up, and not running from his problems. He thought back to Shinji as a boy, frightened and anxious, with no mother, a father who hated him and no friends, only acquaintances of circumstance. It must have taken some strength to overcome all of that to even get back to somewhat normal. What Shinji did tonight was beyond his wildest expectations and a most encouraging sign. He felt giddy at the potential. Kaworu smiled fondly, his fingers lightly tracing across his still kiss-swollen lips.

A knock at the door caused him to jump and his heart to quicken. He padded over to the door and looked through the peep hole, not quite believing what he was seeing. He unlocked the door and opened it and stared at Shinji standing behind it. Shinji moved quickly, a man powered by the heady heat of second chances, of now knowing what he had to lose. He gently pinned Kaworu against a wall, crushing their lips together.

Kaworu squeaked as the pressure of Shinji's body bound him to the wall. He managed to wriggle free his arms to drape them across Shinji's shoulders, trying to match the pace. Shinji's lips were on his, hot and wet, his tongue polite but insistent. Kaworu couldn't help the guttural moan that fell from his lips. Shinji's hands were frantic across his skin, starting in his hair, winding and pulling soft silver strands, than dropping to hold his face, steadying them both as the kiss continued.

"Shinji," Kaworu gasped, gently pushing him back; this could get out of hand very quickly. "Are you sure? Don't want to go too fast," Kaworu put his hands on Shinji's face to hold the other man's gaze.

"I am sure, I've thought of nothing else but you since the last time, I think I was born to meet you Kaworu. I'm not afraid," Shinji's voice came in pants.

Kaworu froze, recognising words he had once spoke to Shinji a very long time ago. His heart clutched in his chest, the memories were gone surely, but what they had shared was like a phantom limb, absent, no longer visible, but the muscle memory remained.

" _Promise me_ , Shinji. Promise me you won't wake up and see the light of day and run away. I couldn't bear it," Kaworu held his gaze, his voice serious and low, his red eyes full of fire.

"I promise. I promise I'll be here tomorrow morning and the morning after that and as many mornings as you'll have me," Shinji kissed him again.

Kaworu softened and let his own fingers trace across the rough stubble on Shinji's chin, past the soft curve of his ear and found purchase in his soft brown hair, pulling him closer by the back of his head. Kaworu mewled contentedly as Shinji's lips left his mouth and began trailing down his jaw, to his chin and down the pale column of his neck. Gentle nibbles of teeth drew another moan from Kaworu's throat. His head tipped back to give Shinji more room.

"Hnn," Shinji was wordless, his tongue hot against the thin skin of Kaworu's throat.

Kaworu, for his part, was swimming in a world far away. This felt like a dream. One he had had many times before, when the night was dark and silence surrounded him. But this was real, visceral. Shinji's fingers slipped beneath his shirt, sliding across the warm skin underneath, across the slim stomach, up and around his shoulders to his back, pulling him in closer and tighter, before finally moving to pull the cotton garment away all together.

Kaworu followed in kind, reaching out to find the soft skin beneath Shinji's top, before his fingers began deftly loosening the buttons, soft kisses following as each one fell open. Kaworu then took Shinji's hand, and pulled him towards his futon, losing his balance on a discarded shoe and they tumbled onto the soft mattress, laughter bubbling up between them.

"I'm not very good at this," Kaworu looked away for a moment, unable to stop the blush rising in his cheeks. Shinji's hand reached up, his thumb softly sweeping across Kaworu's sharp cheek bone.

"Me neither . . . sure, you're the only one," Shinji's lips curled into a soft smile. He dipped down again to claim Kaworu's lips, positively drunk off the taste of him, pressing ever closer, needing close any atom of air space between them.

The press of their skin was dizzying and Shinji needed more and began to pull insistently at Kaworu's trousers, a delighted twinkle in his blue eyes as the garment finally gave way and he watched with interest as Kaworu's slim hips and thighs were revealed to him. Kaworu's skin was flushed a pale rosy pink, his cock pressing damp and proud against too-tight briefs. Shinji's breath caught in his throat as his eyes raked up Kaworu's body.

"You're incredible," Shinji breathed, his fingers dancing around the waistband of Kaworu's underwear.

Kaworu’s breath was erratic and trying to stay present in the moment, trying to drink it all in, but finding himself spinning amongst the stars, gasping. Shinji dipped down to kiss and lick the sharp angles of Kaworu's hip bone, Kaworu squirmed and wriggled beneath him, raising to meet Shinji's tongue. Shinji's eyes glanced up, catching the warm red heat of Kaworu's eyes and he tugged gently at Kaworu's last remaining article of clothing. He glanced down as Kaworu's erection bounced free and his hand was there instantly, wrapping his fingers around and giving a firm, but tentative stroke down Kaworu's length.

Kaworu bit his lip and cried out, gripping his hands into Shinji's hair.

" _Oh!_ Yessssss," He groaned and thrusted against Shinji's hand.

Shinji continued to stroke down Kaworu's length and his lips found the delicate shell of Kaworu's ear, nibbling and licking there, intoxicated by the soft, sweet, sultry sound making their way from Kaworu's throat. His other hand began tracing a long slow line down Kaworu's chest, across his lower back and resting on Kaworu's arse, squeezing. Kaworu yelped at the touch and began to scramble to remove the rest of Shinji's clothes, feeling entirely too exposed on his own.

Shinji kicked his trousers away from his ankles and groaned as his own cock sprung free . "Kaworu, I --" he swallowed hard, quickly losing his grip on language. He ground his hips against Kaworu, gasping at the brush of their cocks together and crushed his lips against Kaworu's again, burning with a heat he never wanted to find relief for.

Kaworu's nails dug into Shinji's back as Shinji's finger began to circle around his rim, his voice choked and broken. "Hang on, just a . . . just a minute."

Kaworu reached blindly for his bedside table, grasping for a bottle that he pressed into Shinji's palm. Shinji nodded, opening it and pouring the cool slick liquid in his hand. He warmed it between his hands before reaching back, his fingers finding Kaworu's hole again, teasing, testing. Kaworu met his fingers and pushed against them.

"Oh!" He gasped as Shinji breeched him and pushed in deep. "Oh, God . . . yes, Shinji," Kaworu wriggled onto the finger.

Shinji couldn't speak, he was enraptured at the sight of Kaworu's body beneath him, waiting, willing, wanting. He was silent, watching in wonder as his finger slid in and out of Kaworu, carefully adding a second, encouraged by Kaworu's breathy moans.

"You're so beautiful," Shinji said, once his words had found him again. Kaworu smiled softly up at him, reaching up to push back the damp hair sticking to Shinji's forehead.

"I love you," Kaworu said before he could stop himself. His stomach tightened hard the moment he said it, wishing instantly he could take it back.

Shinji was quiet again, his movements stilled. He stared at Kaworu, who looked increasingly uncomfortable beneath him, the words hanging heavily in the air.

"I . . . " Shinji started. He wanted to respond, he needed to, but his words twisted on his tongue.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have . . . " Kaworu looked away, wishing in that moment to crawl away, if it weren't for Shinji's fingers still hooked inside him.

Shinji responded by kissing Kaworu again, careful and slow. "Don't apologize." He began to move again, slowly, delicately, fingers drawing in and out of Kaworu. "You haven't done anything wrong."

Tears sprang into the corners of Kaworu's eyes. "Don't go, I'm sorry," he couldn't stop, was so afraid of this dream ending, of Shinji's waking up and realising he'd let Kaworu get too close.

Shinji's features softened and his hand cradled Kaworu's face. "I told you, I’m not going anywhere," He smiled, sweet and kind. Shinji wasn't ready for his own declarations of love, but he wasn't going to run away.

He withdrew his fingers gently and reached down to coat his cock in lubricant. "Can I?" He asked, thumb still tracing the sharp line of Kaworu's jaw.

Kaworu arched against him and nodded. And Shinji pressed in slow and firm, the fullness of him causing Kaworu to gasp and tighten his arms around Shinji, whimpering against his neck.

"Nnnngh, it's so good Kaworu," Shinji groaned. His hips began slowly moving against Kaworu's, holding onto him desperately.

His hands reached between them, gripping onto Kaworu's cock and stoked him in time with his thrusts. Kaworu writhed against him, meeting Shinji's pace, tears streaming down his cheeks. He looked up into Shinji's bright blue eyes, sparkling and warm with want.

"You're amazing Shinji, please, keep going," Kaworu felt himself climbing closer to completion, hands scrambling to find an anchor against Shinji, heels digging into the mattress beneath him.

Shinji's breath was quick and hot against Kaworu's ear, his thrusts growing increasingly faster, his hand still wrapped around Kaworu's cock. "I'm close," he whined.

And then stars danced in front of Kaworu's eyes as he found his release, his body tightening all at once and he found him self falling . . . coming . . . spilling into Shinji's hand, letting out tight high noises. Shinji followed him with a shout and a hard thrust into Kaworu's heat, filling him.

Shinji collapsed against Kaworu's chest, their hearts pounding between them, their skin damp and sticky with sweat and come, neither able to speak. They lie against each other, silent expect for their breathing, nerve endings raw and burning.


	19. Would That I

Kaworu was cradled between Shinji's legs, which were wrapped loosely around his hips, his back pressed against Shinji's chest, nestled against him like his cello. Shinji's fingers were drawing slow, lazy lines across his arms, over his shoulders, pushing into Kaworu's silver hair in a seemingly endless loop. They had been sat like this for hours, the night beginning to shift into that morning twilight, where the stars were gone, but the sun had not yet risen. They hadn't slept, couldn't even if they had wanted to, both completely wrapped up in this closeness, the scent of the other man, the feel of their skin pressed together.

Shinji pressed his lips to Kaworu's ears, nibbling lightly there, before pulling back, whispering in his ear.

"You're amazing. I could spend days like this," he murmured, voice thick.

"I want you to," Kaworu arched back and nuzzled his head in the crook of Shinji's shoulder.

Shinji was quiet again for a moment, his fingers still making their slow dance on Kaworu's skin. He marvelled at the goose bumps that raised in their wake, the soft fine hair that stood up on end. He had never felt so completely cared for, so safe. He breathed in deeply the smell of Kaworu's hair, smelling of soap, sweat and sex. It was heady and intoxicating, Shinji wanted to bathe himself in it.

"Do you remember the angels?" Shinji asked, softly.

Kaworu froze, his heart instantly speeding up in his chest and his breath caught in his throat. He couldn't breathe. Why would Shinji bring that up? His mind began to race, trying to remember if in the heat of moment he had lost himself and let slip the one thing he absolutely could never share with Shinji.

"Yes," he said very carefully, voicelessly.

"I had to fight them, defeat them . . . I was one of the pilots, an Evangelion pilot. It . . . was the most horrifying thing I've ever done. When I was in an Eva, I could feel everything, every blow and strike. There were 4 of us, only kids, babies really, thrown into battle against these creatures, each one more horrible then the one before it. I've never spoken about it since, but . . . "

Shinji paused for a moment, the words tumbling out of him, the intimacy of the evening spurring him on to share this carefully hidden part of himself.

Kaworu nodded slowly, quiet and listening. He remembered the Evas, it wasn't something you simply piloted like a plane . . . it was a part of your being, an extension of self.

"But," Shinji continued. "Being here with you, is exactly the opposite. I was so scared then, even after, everyone I knew went their own way. And I was left here on my own. I can't remember my mother, my father is dead . . . I never thought I could have this, ya know? You're so kind and if I had known at the time, that you would come into my life," Shinji paused, rambling at this point. Kaworu turned his head and smiled up at Shinji.

"I know what you mean," He shifted his body just enough to kiss Shinji soft and slow, before resettling in the comfortable circle of Shinji's legs. "I don't have a family either. i've been on my own for a long time, no friends, no one really. And I was always different, no one understood me."

"I want to understand you," Shinji pulled him in closer.

They sat quietly for a while, nuzzling and savouring the gentle closeness of their bodies.

"So Shinji, if you weren't a former Eva pilot turned bartender, what was it you'd want to be, when you grew up?" Kaworu said.

Shinji chuckled and chewed his lip thoughtfully. "Ya know, I haven't really thought about . . . just drifting through this life waiting to see what happens. I play the cello, but was never good enough to play professionally."

"You play the cello? That's lovely, you'll have to play for me. I used to play the piano, I think I was pretty good at it," Kaworu cooed.

"We should play together, maybe you'll make me better. What about you? I'm sure you didn't dream of being a cashier," Shinji rested his chin on Kaworu's shoulder.

"I guess I haven't really thought about it either. I think I'd like to move out of Tokyo at some point, find somewhere quieter, maybe have a little farm. I feel overwhelmed in a place this big."

"What brought you here in the first place?" Shinji asked.

"I guess I felt like a big fish in a little pond. Felt a bit more remarkable than I actually am. And I had nothing to lose, staying where I was, I was just rotting away. I thought I'd get here and everything would fall into place, that whatever it is I'm chasing would find me and this perfect life would just materialise. Not really sure what I was thinking to be honest. But I found you," Kaworu threaded his fingers in Shinji's which were wrapped loosely around his waist.

"Looks like we're both making this up as we go along. We should combine our efforts," Shinji smiled squeezing Kaworu's hand.

"What do ya say, we could find a place by the sea. I'll run a farm shop and you can get a job at the local bar and we'll play the cello and piano in the evenings," Kaworu purred.

Shinji didn't say anything, but let his fingers slide to Kaworu's wrist, then easily twisted them both, so Kaworu was on his back, Shinji above him, holding him pressed the mattress, firm, but not uncomfortable. Kaworu stared up at him, eyes shimmering. Shinji looked appreciatively up and down Kaworu's body, all pale slim lines and sharp angles, the early morning sun cast a warming light across him.

"That sounds . . . perfect. That's what I want to do when I grow up," Shinji leant down and kissed him again. Kaworu arched against him, tightening his arms around him.

Shinji deepened the kiss, his hips gently rutting against Kaworu's. Kaworu moaned quietly against him, his legs spreading slowly, inviting Shinji in. Shinji let his lips trail down Kaworu's neck, nibbling as he went, savouring the sweet and salty taste of his skin.

"Please Shinji," Kaworu murmured, pushing up against Shinji, needing to feel that close fullness of him again.

Shinji's heart thumped tears sprang up behind his eyes. This man, this beautiful, strange man, was the most perfect creature Shinji had ever known and he wanted him. Wanted to build a life with him, wanted to figure it out as they went along, together. It was almost too much to bear.

He paused a moment to pour lubricant on his his fingers, before reaching between them again and preparing Kaworu, who whimpered against his fingers

He pressed in slowly, unhurried, panting against the dip between Kaworu's neck and shoulder.

Their bodes moved in that ancient dance, fingers grasping, needing, both holding on, anchoring each other as they drifted out to sea on this wave of tender pleasure. Both wordless as their bodies clung and swayed, only breathy moans between them. No words were needed, they were better off without them, no word could capture what was growing between them.

Their breaths grew quicker, fingers tightening on whatever skin their could find and then stars danced in their eyes, as they rode that crest together, spilling and filling, sharing their essence between them.

They collapsed into a tangle of limbs and kisses. And their eyes finally closed, sleep finally capturing them as the morning sun grew brighter through Kaworu's window.


	20. The Night We Met

Kaworu felt like he was floating on air. Shinji hadn't only stayed until the next morning, but had continued to do so for several months of mornings after, only returning back to his own apartment to collect a change of clothes, check in with his roommate and go to work. It was all so surreal and Kaworu had found himself pinching himself to ensure he was both not dreaming and in fact still alive and on Earth.

It was, in it's own way, strange and unsettling. The majority of his time of knowing Shinji was either yearning to be with him or else utterly frustrated with the challenge of actually achieving that had been. He found a growing ball of anxiety growing in his stomach as he waited to wake up from the dream . . . or worse, for Shinji to retreat back into his expertly constructed shell.

He lie awake as Shinji slept fitfully next to him. In the dim light of the streetlights through the window, he watched Shinji's chest gently fall and rise, his breath deep and steady, brown hair strewn cross the pillow, fingers curled around the edge of the duvet. Kaworu's heart caught in his throat and he let a smile tug at his lips. _Will you ever know how I prayed and dreamed for just this?_ he thought to himself. He carefully reached out and stroked back some of the hair on Shinji's forehead. Shinji stirred, but didn't wake.

He wanted to tell Shinji everything: who he was, what they had been and how he found himself living this human life. How could they really build a life together when such a monumental secret dwelled between them? Shinji had begun to open up on his past, starting with the night they laid in each others arms and Shinji mentioned the angels and being an Eva pilot. The floodgates hadn't opened, as such, but the door was certainly open. Kaworu yearned to be able to respond with the same openness and to tell Shinji how he understood, because he was there with him, not for all of it surely, but it was an experience they shared. And Kaworu couldn't say a word.

He watched Shinji for a few moments more before he stood from the bed and moving to stand in front of the window of his room, looking out on the quiet street in front of him. The moon was full and day-old snow covered the ground, grimy and dirty from a thousand passing feet. He sank to his knees, eyes fixed on the moon for a moment and then lowered his head and folded his hands in prayer.

"I don't know if you still listen to the prayers of fallen angels, but thank you," he began, in a language older than time, his voice a near inaudible murmur. "Thank you for this human life, for the opportunity to start again, for my freedom. Thank you for him and the journey we're starting."

"I need your help, I want this to be right, and the weight of this secret is heavy on my heart. If he found out, it would destroy him . . . and me. Help me to make this right, to give him what he deserves: honesty. He's been through so much already, please . . . . please help me."

Kaworu fell silent, head bent and steadied his breathing. He hadn't prayed since he fell to Earth and it comforted him, helped to unwind the growing knot in his gut. He had done his best to bury his angelic nature and recreate who he was . . . with no real idea who that person was. To acknowledge this part of his being, even to himself, to speak to God and give thanks for the gifts he had been given, felt like a warm blanket being drawn around him.

He continued in silent prayer and reflection as the sun began to brighten through the window, letting the room around him slip away, focussing only on his breath and the clear stillness of his mind.

"Kaworu?" came Shinji's voice after some time, thick and groggy, pulling Kaworu from from his meditation. He opened his eyes slowly and looked over his shoulder.

"Good morning, Shinji," A smile crept over his face.

"What are you doing on the floor?" Shinji pulled himself up, the duvet draping around his waist and he absent-mindedly rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

"Praying," Kaworu said, slowly rising, his feet long since having fallen asleep. He shook them as the blood rushed back in pins and needles.

"Oh. I wouldn't have taken you for the religious type," Shinji said.

"Hmm, I wouldn't say that I am, in the traditional sense anyway. But I have faith that God and Her angels are just as real as you and I," Kaworu rolled his shoulders, stretching his back.

Shinji watched as Kaworu flashed him a knowing smile as he pulled back the duvet and crawled in next to him. There was a tone in Kaworu's voice, a cool confidence, that Shinji found oddly familiar, like a voice from a dream. He couldn't place it, but for the briefest moment, he felt a strange de ja vu.

"The angels that attacked us then, do you think those were heavenly creatures?" Shinji asked.

"They were. Humans imagine angels look like them and so art and literature depict them like winged people. And I suppose they could look like humans, if they chose to, but it doesn't mean their true forms aren't what you saw," Kaworu said gently and reached out to take Shinji's hand.

"But why would God send monsters to destroy us? I don't know much about it, but I gather God is love and all that," Shinji felt a heat rising in his stomach. The angels had been horrific and if those were heaven's messengers, frankly he wanted nothing to do with it.

"To test you . . us. And God is everything and everywhere. We're not meant to understand Her plan. It's humbling, but we're all just game pieces on a giant board, where the rules are unclear and the only one who wins is God, simply because She decides She's won," Kaworu paused and looked into Shinji's eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm not explaining this every well."

"No, your explanation is fine. But I think it's a rubbish way to look at life. Surely it's more than that, we're not just pawns to be moved at the will of an all-knowing being, to be tested to destruction and for what purpose, who does it serve? We're better than that. And how can you be so sure?" Shinji stood and began pulling on his clothes.

Kaworu frowned, he hadn't meant to upset Shinji, but he had clearly hit a nerve.

"I'm sure because I am and you asked. And God loves humans, you are Her most precious creation. You have free will, and while humans are capable of the most unspeakable evil, they are redeemed by nearly endless grace," Kaworu followed Shinji, careful to not get too close as to corner him.

"You keep saying 'you', like you're not included in all this. And you can't be sure, not really, no more sure than me or any one else for that matter. And you never saw those angels up close, they were monsters. I don't know where they came from, but eternal paradise is not it," Shinji's voice continued to rise, the frustration clear.

Kaworu reached out to grab his hand, "I'm sorry Shinji, I didn't mean . . . "

"Look, just stop talking about it. I'm sorry I asked," Shinji pulled his hand away. "I gotta go to work now anyway, I'll see you after, yeah?"

"Of course, sure. Do you want me to meet you after?"

"No, I'll call you, I may need to go home after."

"Okay, well. I love you," Kaworu said quietly.

Shinji said nothing as he pulled his jacket on and closed the door behind him.

* * *

  
Shinji couldn't shake the morning's conversation from his mind. He was fixated on the angels, running through each in his mind.

Adam, the first angel, who triggered Second Impact, from whom all angels were born. Lilith, crucified in Terminal Dogma, bleeding LCL, essential to piloting an Eva. Sachiel, the first angel Shinji fought and had initially lost, only for his Unit-01 to go berserk, saving him and surely humanity. Shamshle, whom Shinji defeated with seconds of battery power to spare. Ramiel, defeated by Shinji and Rei together. . . .

"Ikari, you're a million miles away today, will you get that table's order?" His colleague's voice broke his thoughts.

"Yeah, of course, sorry," He grabbed his notepad and walked over to the table, plastering on a smile.

He managed to set the angels aside long enough to finish his shift, but on the walk home, he was lost in recalling each angel by name, the memories as vivid if they had occurred yesterday. He remembered the cramped entry plug he shared with Asuka in Unit-02 to destroy Gaghiel.

Israfel.

Sandalphon.

He unlocked the door to his own flat, relieved to find it empty. He'd been spending so much time with Kaworu, he hadn't much time for himself. As he continued his cataloguing the angels he had battled as an Eva pilot, he felt there was something he was trying to remember and couldn't place it. He pulled his clothes off, tossing them on his bed and changed into sweat pants and t-shirt. He pulled his cello out, settling himself in the living room and began playing while his thoughts continued to run.

All three Evas fought together against Matarael, Sahaquiel and Leliel. Virus-like Ireul. Bardiel who had crushed his classmate Toji, the Fourth Child. Zeruel had severed Unit-01's arm and it went berserk again revealing an Eva without armour, with Shinji inside. Arael had attacked Asuka's mind and finally Armisael and Rei sacrificing herself to save them all.

Shinji stared out the window, his fingers mindlessly playing, going through the motions through muscle memory. He paused for a moment, listening . . . "Ode to Joy."

Red eyes, startling, but kind, flashed across his mind.

He felt his stomach begin to turn.

Armisael was not the final angel.

A seventeenth, unlike all the others. Crimson eyes, silver hair, a boy his own age, who could pilot an Eva effortlessly. Who had offered his hand in friendship . . . who had showed him love when no else had.

Shinji felt his breath quicken and his head lighten.

Tabris. The final angel had betrayed him.

The cello slid with a loud thud from between Shinji's knees, the memory growing brighter and more vivid.

A bright smile in a darkened bedroom.

"I think I may have been born just to meet you, Shinji Ikari."

Shinji's stomach lurched violently, he felt the world slipping from under his feet.

"I'm saying I love you."

The frail, small body, crushing beneath the grip of Unit-01, snapping bones and ruined flesh stung his skin.

Shinji vomited and the world went dark around him.

* * *

  
Kaworu set his phone back down after another unanswered call to Shinji. He breathed deeply, Shinji had said he was going to call and his shift had ended hours ago. He batted away the tears that sprung behind his eyes. It was surely nothing, he had just grown accustom to Shinji being here, this was the first night he hadn't come back. He paced his floor, the conversation this morning on angels had upset Shinji, perhaps he was just cooling off and giving himself some space, that was perfectly fair enough.

It was nothing to worry about, really.

* * *

  
Ryozo walked through the door of his apartment and dropped the bags he was carrying and ran across to Shinji, who lay unconscious in his own sick, his cello cracked beside him.

"Shinji!!!!" he dropped to his knees, desperate to find any signs of life. He pressed his face close to Shinji's, his fingers gently tracing Shinji's neck, trying to find a pulse.

He felt a soft breath brush his cheek and he let out a pained cry of relief. He carefully moved Shinji away from the pool of vomit, trying to clear it away from his face. He began searching his body for his phone, his hands shaking as he called an ambulance.

"Please, help me! My roommate has collapsed, I need someone, I don't know how long he's been like this, he's breathing though," Ryozo cried into the phone, hot tears stinging his face, his voice broken.

"Oh, Shinji, what happened, please wake up," Ryozo whispered, crawling close to Shinji, wrapping his body close to his. He watched his breathing carefully, afraid it would stop.

Ryozo only stood when the paramedics arrived, standing helplessly as Shinji was loaded onto a stretcher, an oxygen match strapped onto his face.

"Does he have any pre-existing medical conditions?" A paramedic looked to Ryozo.

"Um, no, not that I'm aware. Can I come with him?"

"Yes, certainly. Any idea what happened?"

"No, I found him like this, no idea how long though," Ryozo reached to take Shinji's hand, following alongside the stretcher.

"Minus the bump on his head from the fall, it doesn't look like he's done himself too much damage. It is unusual to see a healthy young man just collapse. Is he a drinker, any drugs?"

Ryozo shook his head. "No, I don't think so, no more than normal.

He boarded the ambulance and held Shinji's hand on the journey to the hospital.

* * *

  
Kaworu continued to stare at his phone, waiting for it to ring, but the night drew darker. He pulled his duvet around his shoulders, he closed his eyes on his first night alone since he had reconciled with Shinji.

* * *

  
Ryozo sat next to Shinji's hospital bed, scrolling mindlessly through his phone. The doctors has said there was nothing physically wrong with Shinji, except a minor concussion he sustained from the fall, so all they could do was monitor him and wait for him to wake. The steady and constant beep of machines measuring Shinji's vital signs were a comfort, at least confirming that everything within their control was managed.

Ryozo looked up as he heard a rustle on the bed. Shinji began to move, his eyes slowly blinking open.

"Where am I?" his voice was dry and broken.

Ryozo's heart thumped in his chest, a relieved sigh escaping his lips.

"Hey there, you had me worried. You're in the hospital, you collapsed on your own. You've been out for hours at least," Ryozo knelt next to the bed, smiling and tears running down his cheeks.

Shinji struggled to pull himself up to sit, he looked utterly bewildered. "I don't remember what happened, I was at home . . . and . . . and. . . " he trailed off as his memory flooded back to him.

"You okay?" Ryozo asked quietly, the blood had began to drain from Shinji's face and his eyes were fixed on the wall in front of him.

"Where's Kaworu, I need to see Kaworu," Shinji squeaked, panic rising in his voice.

"He doesn't know you're here, I didn't have his number and I couldn't unlock your phone. Is something wrong? I'll go get the doctor," Ryozo stood to flag a doctor.

"No! I'm fine, I need to get out of here," Shinji began pulling on the tubes and wires, setting the alarms off the machines, causing a nurse to rush in.

"Ikari-san, please calm down," she said as she rushed in.

"I'm fine, I just need to go, please let me go," Shinji's voice was getting more frantic and he stood, momentarily unsteady on his feet. "Where are my clothes?" He paced around the room.

Ryozo grabbed him firmly by the shoulders. "You need to calm down, you're acting crazy. What happened??"

"I can't . . . I can't explain it, please I just need to leave, I need to see Kaworu. Now!" Shinji squirmed away from Ryozo, spotted his clothing and began pulling them on.

Ryozo looked helplessly at the nurse. "You guys said there was nothing physically wrong with him, can you discharge him, I'll keep an eye on him."

The nurse bristled and sighed and stepped out to find a doctor. "Ikari-san, we can't be held responsible if you collapse again and you injure yourself or worse."

"I understand that, just let me go!" Shinji was barely able to contain his frustration.

As soon as the paperwork was signed, Shinji took off in a run out of the hospital, Ryozo running behind him.

"Where are you going? Wait up!"

"I've got to see Kaworu and I need to do this on my own . . . . .I'm sorry Ryozo!"

* * *

  
Shinji darted up the stairs to Kaworu's apartment and began pounding on the door. "KAWORU!!! Open this door!"

The door opened and Kaworu stood behind it, eyes heavy with sleep. "Shinji, is everything okay, you . . ."

He wasn't able to finish his sentence as Shinji charged in, pinning him hard against a wall.

"You bastard, you goddamn lying bastard! You lied to me, you son of a bitch!" Shinji snarled, his eyes wild with fury.

Kaworu was stunned and pawed at Shinji's fists in his shirt, keeping him bodily pinned to the wall.

"What is the matter with you, get off me!"

"Tabris! You're Tabris! You are an angel! You lied to me!"

Kaworu's eyes went wide, his legs going weak beneath him.

"How did you . . . you aren't supposed to know that," he said weakly.

"I remembered! You were the final angel, you betrayed me then and lied to me and you've lied to me now! Why are you even here, come back to finish what you started?" Shinji's breath was hot on Kaworu's face.

Desperate tears began to fall from Kaworu's eyes, breaking into guttural sobs as reality hit him.

"No, I'm here for you," He hiccuped, barely able to speak through his cries.

"That doesn't make any sense!"

Kaworu clawed at Shinji's fists, trying to break away from the painful grip that was bruising his shoulders.

"I love you, I came back for you," Kaworu cried, finally able to break away from Shinji and he recoiled like a frightened animal.

"You don't love me! What do you mean you came back for me, are you here to kill me?" Shinji looked unhinged and began to advance on Kaworu again.

"I didn't have a choice! You don't understand anything! I'm a fallen angel, I'm not here to destroy you! I defied heaven to be here with you!! I watched you for 10 years and thought of nothing but you! There hasn't been a single moment since I met you that I haven't loved you," Kaworu choked through his sobs, anger beginning to rise in chest.

"Why didn't you tell me?! Why couldn't I remember you until tonight?"

"Those were the conditions, Shinji. I don't know what the hell I was supposed to do. I got dropped on this God forsaken planet, your memory was wiped of my very existence . . . there's no precedent for this! I don't know why you can remember me now, God working in mysterious ways, I'm sure," he growled.

Shinji stared at Kaworu, his chest was heaving and heart pounding, face streaked with tears.

More memories began to flood back to Shinji: sitting by the seaside when he first met Kaworu and again after Shinji had crushed him. Staring up at the sky, somehow knowing Kaworu was looking out for him over all the years that passed.

"Why me though?" Shinji asked, voice suddenly quiet.

"I wish I knew," Kaworu said miserably. "I have nothing left. I'm exiled from my home. I don't even know who I am, I was never supposed to be a human, everything hurts and nothing makes any sense. But I've put all my hopes and prayers on you."

Kaworu's words hit him like a punch in the gut. He hadn't considered the sacrifice Kaworu had made for him . . .twice. He couldn't ignore the pain of the being lied to, but he also couldn't forget the warmth and affection that Kaworu had always shown him. Kaworu was bound by his own laws and destiny, but he had never hesitated to reach out to Shinji, to love him freely and without question. The anger began to drain away from him.

In it's place, came the realization of who was standing in front of him. The final angel, his enemy, yes, but also the first and only other person who had loved him. The boy he had killed to save humanity, Kaworu's final selfless wish, who he had mourned for so long. Shinji had never imagined he'd see those kind eyes or smile again. And he'd been right in front of him, knowing what they had, gently easing his way back into Shinji's heart.

"I thought I'd never see you again. I can't believe you're here. That you've been here. You came back, for me," Shinji said, his voice tight and choking on the emotion welling inside him.

"I couldn't forget you, couldn't move on. But it has been the most difficult path," Kaworu's said.

"Do you wish you'd never met me?" Shinji felt his own eyes beginning to fill with tears.

"No. I wish it had been easier. I wish that you had known who I was from the start, that I didn't have to lie to you . . . that it had come to this. I wish the circumstances were different . . . but it was never going to be any other way." Kaworu sighed, dropping his head, his shoulders sagging around his chest.

Shinji moved slowly towards him, his hands reaching out and finding Kaworu's. Kaworu looked up meeting Shinji's eyes. They moved together carefully, arms wrapping around the other.

"My life only has meaning with you in it, Shinji," Kaworu whispered.

"Kaworu, no . . . you're so much better than me. I could have never done what you did . . . for me," Shinji let his forehead fall to rest on Kaworu's.

Kaworu laughed softly. "I did it for me too, I couldn't bear being apart from you any longer. An eternal life without you, it wasn't worth living. We're no better than each other."

"I'm better for knowing you. I love you. I've loved you from the moment I met you, from the night we first met," Shinji leaned in and pressed his lips to Kaworu's.

Kaworu pulled back, eyes searching Shinji's. Shinji smiled and pulled him back in for a soft kiss, before he could speak.

Kaworu pulled him in tight, lost for words. He had been wrong, Shinji was stronger than he seemed, his having been an angel didn't destroy him, but then, God had tried to destroy Shinji Ikari on several occasions, but this difficult, at times selfish and utterly infuriating human man had survived.

"Where do we go from here?" Kaworu asked as they pulled away for air. HIs hand reached up to run this Shinji's hair and then cup his face.

"I don't know. But I'm sure we'll figure it out," Shinji smiled and pulled Kaworu in close.

* * *

_Take me back to the night we met_  
_I don't know what I'm supposed to do_  
_Haunted by the ghost of you_  
_Oh, take me back to the night we met_  
_When the night was full of terrors_  
_And your eyes were filled with tears_  
_When you had not touched me yet_  
_Oh, take me back to the night we met_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is emotional and I feel a bit sick even getting ready to post this. I started this story in 2004, at the tender age of 17 and it was officially abandoned in 2008 I want to say. I stopped writing fiction (fan or otherwise) then as well.
> 
> In that meantime, I grew up, I moved country, I got married. Out of nowhere, I googled this fic and to my utter surprise and delight, people were still reading it, and someone had even bothered to recommend my abandoned and poorly formatted little fic on Tumblr. I read back through it and while ff.net had all but destroyed the quotes I swear I put in, it was all right, like it wasn't embarrassing to read, there was something there and I decided I should try and finish what I started.
> 
> And I think I've accomplished that and I've managed to tell the story I set out to tell. It's not perfect, I'm sure there's a hundred other things I could developed more and places I could have taken these characters, but I'm sure that's true of any story. 
> 
> Thank you for everyone who has read this fic and left kudos or comments. I can't tell you what your support means, I have found my voice and creativity again. <3


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